Cranky Girl

To my favourite godchild, Enrique

2012-01-31T21:16:00.001+08:00

My dearest Enrique,

Now, you are 13, and many changes will take place in your life.

One day, I will tell you about love. About how wonderful and light and happy and giddy it will make you feel. About how powerful and hopeful you'll become because of it. About how you'll think it conquers all and makes everything right.

But right now, I just want to protect you from it. Right now, I want to hold your heart close to me and promise you it'll never get broken, will never be trampled on, will not be abused or misused. Right now, I want to spare you the pain of broken dreams and promises, that dull ache that ebbs and flows but never really, truly goes away once your heart has been rejected or replaced by another in your beloved's heart.

I want to tell you how love can change your life, for better or worse. How love can make or break you.

I want to tell you how love will leave you speechless or fill you with words and phrases and poems that make you want to write sonnets so beautiful it will make your loved one cry. I want to tell you how love puts color into a grayscale world or how it turns a simple melody into a symphony. I want to tell you how love will make you do silly things to make your beloved laugh or create grand gestures to impress your loved one.

I want to tell you so many things about love but my heart is in pain and is still healing from being shattered that I simply want to spare your young and fragile heart. It would kill me to see your bright and eager eyes in tears or despair if your beloved chooses someone else. It would break my heart even more if your heart is broken.

I know I cannot forever protect you so I can only hope. Hope that your heart is stronger than mine. Hope that your heart listens to your mind and not to its silly notions. Hope that your heart will know how to protect itself.

Because one day, the inevitable will happen. You will fall in love and love will consume you.

2011. The year that was.

2012-01-07T23:50:00.001+08:00

I learned this past year:
- that I'm not really as strong as I thought I was.
- but that time can heal hurts.
- that my mom is truly my best friend.
- and that some "friends" can distance themselves when you need them most
- that they're not really your friends if they do
- that you can never run out of tears when the pain is too deep
- that time flies
- that it can feel that sometimes God doesn't listen
- but that sometimes you don't need to ask Him for what you need
- that everything is given in His perfect time
- but that I'm still quite impatient
- that heartbreak scares most people away, like it's catching or something
- that real, true friends stay by your side especially when your heart is breaking -- no matter how many times you were careless about it
- that I can believe so deeply on so much crap, it can last more than a decade
- that I've been living a lie the past 12 years
- that people CAN and actually DO lie about the most important things
- that my family really loves me, not just because they put up with... But because they're helping me get past it
- that I can put up with so much crap pala
- that work is important to me
- that I value doing good, quality work, not just so-so work
- that won't have my own family or children
- that I no longer believe in love
- that I never should've believed in magic and roller coaster rides and fireworks -- those are just lies, a mirage
- that I'm never going to trust anyone else
- that I'm never going to trust love
- that I'm never falling in love again
- that sometimes you really need to get help
- or ask for help
- that I need to be careful about who I trust
- because not everyone is sincere
- that I can sleep early
- and have time to read
- and enjoy reading at a coffee shop alone
- that I can meet a guy who has almost all the traits I like in a person
- that I'm not the type of person talaga who gets kilig but that doesn't mean deadma ako
- that I like mentoring people
- that I value honesty and loyalty
- that I really don't have much to say
- that pain can silence me
- that there are people who do listen
- that you really sometimes just need to "hang in there"

Poison

2011-09-06T21:25:00.003+08:00

Yes. You majorly pissed me off this morning. It amazes me how you think of me now. How little value you put on me.

You say one year was too quick to get over a 12-year relationship. You can't even begin to imagine the HELL I lived the past couple of months. How many nights I cried myself to sleep. How many people had to hold me up because I couldn't stand on my own two feet. It took all my strength and all my friends' faith to get me through the dark nights.

Only a year? What do you think? That it should take long? How cruel can you be? How selfish can you be?

I wasn't the one who "removed you from oblivion." You did. When you turned your back on me and was only too happy to get rid of me. Two days after the breakup you were flirting with someone new. And I "removed you from oblivion"?

I couldn't believe you can still make me that angry.

Hours later, now, I'm only sad. Sad that you are the way you are. You are no longer the person I loved.

Loved.

Or maybe I still do.

Because seeing you in a photo, even one where I can't see your face, just your nape, makes my blood warm. Just thinking of running my hands through your hair, caressing your nape, and stroking your face has made my blood come alive. And it has been dead for more than a year.

Or it could be lust.

I no longer know. Not with you.

Because somehow, maybe, what I felt for you was mere attraction, or a very stupid but strong infatuation.

Funny if that were the case, then. You always thought I wasn't attracted to you.

But yes, maybe it wasn't love? More like an addiction. Something bad for me, something I craved often, something I couldn't resist.

And maybe it's time I wean myself off it. Off you.

Maybe that's what you are. A poison to my system.

Things I Know Now But Didn't Know Then

2011-08-24T23:25:00.000+08:00

1. Pwede pala ako kiligin.
2. Hindi pala totoong yung feeling na "you just know she's The One".
3. Hindi lang pala yun "mood swings."
4. I can bounce back... Eventually.
5. But I can also slip.
6. That sex isn't that important.
7. And that some people may be better in bed than others but when you
love someone with all your heart and soul, even if they're not that
good, it doesn't matter.
6. Memories don't last.
7. People forget... even an incredible love story.
8. That there are always two sides to a story.
9. That a heart heals slowly when hurt deeply.
10. That time heals all wounds... But you'd never know for sure how
long it'll take.
11. That friends can abandon you when you need them the most.
12. That people lie.
13. That people will most likely remember the bad stuff more than the
good.

414 Days

2011-07-19T20:27:00.002+08:00

It has been 414 days of your freedom and my death.

Does time really heal all wounds? Because it sure doesn't feel like it.

It's as fresh as yesterday, like my heart was broken just last night.

I should've seen the signs. Signs that manifested themselves years ago. When Isis told me about a couple she knew who broke up after 15 years. When N told me B had said on their 10th year anniversary that he never really loved her. When we learned about F leaving B and we didn't see it coming. When you said J didn't see P as his wife. I hoped and prayed and wished and begged the heavens that those things won't happen to me, to us.

But the signs were all there. It surrounded me but I failed to see it. I was blinded by all the promises you made me, the words of reassurance, the plans for the future, the hope you showered me with and eventually took away.

I should've quit while I was ahead; while I had my dignity and pride and a future with someone else. I can't help but think I chose wrong those two times I had to make a choice.

I've never been one to regret but you I do. I regret ever being with you.

It doesn't seem worth all this pain.

In a life that was past

2011-06-21T18:06:00.001+08:00

Looked at your photo three times today. Yes, I missed you, but it feels so far away.

Because I still do

2011-06-07T11:03:00.001+08:00

I worry about you. I have days when I wonder how you are and I wonder if you're being taken care of. I suppose you are, better than I probably had, because then, if I took care of you the way you liked or wanted to be taken care of, you wouldn't have left.

I suppose it's all pointless to still care. It's not like it would make a difference in your life if I still do.

But then again, in the bigger scheme of things, life seems to be more bearable when someone cares about us -- whether we know about it or not. It's like there are magical hands that embrace us and comfort us. Well, that's how I feel when I remember my mom and Babs' constant reminder that she loves me no matter what.

So yes, I worry about you. And I still care about you. And I hope somehow, you are reminded that somewhere, no matter what, someone loves you.

Worries

2009-09-16T01:52:00.002+08:00

So it's 2 a.m. and I'm still up. I've been on an emotional rollercoaster ride this whole day. Started the day with my mom getting pissed at me and I'm ending it bawling my eyes out after watching "If These Walls Could Talk 2."

Ellen DeGeneres and Sharon Stone's story really resonates with how Lia and I are because, on good days, we are pretty much as happy and giddy and in love as they are. And we really want to have children in the future. I can't help but cry because I'm very much worried about my endometriosis and having it under control so that I won't have a hard time conceiving.

I wouldn't even begin to worry about the costs of IVF for now. We can deal with that later.

I can't help it. I know Lia and I are really good with kids and I know we will be the best parents we can ever be when the time comes. And more than anything, I know in my heart that when that time comes and we have a child to bring into the world, all our troubles will melt away. No more miscommunications, no more petty arguments, no more minor annoyances with each other.

Interestingly, I'm really trying my best to get a hold of my mood swings and cycles. At least this time, I know somehow, how to manage it. Unless, of course, it's road rage.

What scares me though is that I might actually be bipolar. And given that, I might give my damaged genes to my children. I don't think I can take that. :(

Dear Abbott

2009-09-02T09:24:00.002+08:00

It's been almost 6 years since we last spoke. Well, technically we didn't talk but hey, your last message was the last I heard from you.

I remember one of the last times we chatted and spoke on the phone, we were laughing our assess off trying to choose a way to die. Nope, can't be a gun, too gory and messy. No, slashing the wrist and taking a bunch of pills is too wimpy and cliche. Jumping off a building? Goodness no! Can you imagine the mess and the hassle of looking for body parts?

Did we include hanging as a possible choice? I'm pretty sure we never talked about asphyxiation. Anyhoo, I read yesterday from a website that hanging is too gruesome for the people who are left behind. I won't go into detail but the body takes too much trauma (of course less so than jumping or a gunshot wound but that's not the point) that the corpse looks ugly afterwards. Yes, I'm vain that way. :)

I still can't believe you're not around anymore. I remember one of the last relationship advice you gave me was that I should be relieved that I don't have her anymore because then, I wouldn't be scared to lose her all the time. Another piece of advice I got from you was that if we were to get back together, it should be on a clean slate without any baggage from the past.

Just to update you, I'm still scared to lose her all the time (but I'm working on that) and yes, we got back, several times in fact, after that last conversation of ours, but the baggage seems to be difficult to leave behind.

Anyway...

I wonder where your writings are. I know Ivere has some of them but I'm not sure if she's kept them, given that she's moved homes and has been shuttling back and forth between Manila and Nueva Ecija. I hate it that she's so busy and/or so far away. I hate it too, that you and Sassy could've been comrades and anchors for each other while there but that would be impossible now. I know you guys were not really close but she was really fond of you and you have this way of making people feel good and making them forget about their troubles.

I wonder how it'd be like with you on Twitter and Facebook. I bet a bunch of photos of you would be tagged and frequently commented on by us your friends. I can imagine your goofy photos, photos of you looking silly, photos of you making funny faces. Did you know it was quite hard looking for decent photos of you after what happened? Tsk! Silly you! :) [I've learned a lesson from you and I've vowed not to have bad photos of myself. I've even picked out the ones I particularly like and even layed out a really nice collage. Beat that! :D :P]

It would've been nice to still have you around to chat with and laugh with. Remember those long distance three-way calls we used to have? We can do that now through Skype! :) I can tell you how, after I've promised to avoid doctors because one really crossed me in the past (and I tell, she has NEVER apologized for it), I now have to interview dozens of them and that I've about 7 specialists I deal with for various reasons. I've a gen prac, 3 ob-gynes, a cute ENT, an eye doctor, a funny allergologist, of course, a dentist, and a derma. I'm making these doctors rich. Yikes. Well, I only want two doctors really: an ob and a pedia for my future child.

I guess if there's one thing I'm sure to want and have, it's that--a child. But I'm starting to think I may be an unfit mother. I've no job, I'm broke, I'm emotionally and psychologically unstable (but not so much, I'd say) and I pretty much suck with relationships--friendships, romantic ones, and worse, familial ones. I'm even fed up with myself.

I remember when you told me that I should exercise because you read(?) that exercise helps depression. Funny how the urge to go back to hitting the gym more regularly comes when I'm feeling stressed and depressed. I guess it is my body's way of telling me to take care of myself.

Did I tell you that I was on meds before? That it helped for a while then I stopped when I was starting to feel like I was in a glass cage. My mood picked up considerably after that. I started going out with friends, I was working freelance and had deadlines one after another, and I started to date. I thought I was fine and I guess I was. But after a couple of months, those long showers at midnight that mask the crying bouts started again. I haven't been back on meds or therapy but I think I can manage the craziness better now. I might be bipolar, by the way, but I'm not sure. Knowing someone who has these crazy moods like me and also loves me despite the craziness makes me feel better. Seeing her makes me realize that yes, it can be managed without medication.

But there are days when I still feel that urge to just... go.

Last night I messaged Tinggot. I asked her if she thinks I can hack it if I just dumped everything here and started over somewhere new. I still haven't received a reply. I must've given her ideas too. :) But I know SHE can hack it. She's my idol, that girl. :) She's so independent and level-headed. I'm so happy she's my friend. I hope I don't tire her the same way I've exhausted everyone else.

In other news, Ivere has a new little girl. I haven't met her though and I'm sad because I'm sure she's growing up so very fast. :( I wouldn't even get to meet her as a cute little baby. :( Oh well.

I wonder how you are. I wonder how you'd be if you were still around. Would you still be in Cali? Where would you live? Would you have gone back to writing? Would you be writing for a mag by now? Would you have published books? What car would you be driving by now?

Oh by the way, did I tell you Lia gets to go to my house now? And that she's finally invited to family lunches and dinners? My nephews love her. Enrique even asked me why I never introduced Tita Lia to her way before. You see, he asked how long I've known Tita Lia, and I said 12 years. Funny how you even met Enrique way before Lia did. :) I remember that night clearly, he was in the car in his little denim jeans and jacket when you and Ivere came to visit. :) Do you remember him, 'bbott? I placed his photo on the photo frame you and Ivere gave me. He's 10 now. :)

How old would you have been on your birthday? :) Although you're not here anymore, I'll tell Lia we should celebrate your birthday. Should we go drinking that night? Or should we just have cake? Do you like cake ba? I don't remember. Would Ivere know? What was your favorite food ba? Chicken? Hahahaha! I remember Ivere telling me that she doesn't know why you thought her favorite food was chicken, eh she didn't even say so daw. :D Your birthday's on a Tuesday so I don't know what we'll do... Lia has a class then. But we'll see. :)

I miss you Abbott. I'm sorry if I keep talking to you even though I know I'm not supposed to because it supposedly keeps one from moving towards the light. I guess it's because I know you're already there in the light. No matter what people say, I know you've found the peace you've been looking for. I know people would not agree with me but I know it took you a lot of courage to do what you did. I'm not saying you did the right thing because you left us lonely but I know what it's like to just want that finality. I still wish though that you didn't leave us. Just be happy, Abbott. And we'll take comfort in the memories you left us. :)

Had I Known...

2009-09-01T18:11:00.002+08:00

that I would be the boys' babysitter, her alalay, and their kusinera (cook), then I wouldn't have bothered with the masters degree.

Blech.

I'm not complaining about having to babysit those boys. And I do love to cook, anyway. But for her to have the AUDACITY to ask if I wanted to be her "runner" is such a presumptuous thing to do. She's only nice when she needs something or needs something done, she's only interested in you when it interests her. Other than that, you're considered below her, uninteresting, unimportant.

And while I do love to cook and experiment in the kitchen, a little "thank you," a little expression of appreciation, a little token at the least, will really make me happy. But what do I get? NOTHING. I'm even made to think and feel that it's my obligation and responsibility to feed them. That when I make my own plans to go out, that when I'm not able to make lunch or dinner, that when the produce rots and spoils, it's my fault.

Had I known that this is how my life would turn out, I'd have considered going straight and settled for being married to a guy who will just impregnate me and demand that I keep house. I mean, really. Aren't most housewives and mothers neglected and unappreciated anyway? Maybe if I did, I wouldn't feel so bad.

2009-09-01T10:29:00.002+08:00

So here I am, having an incredibly bad three days, a growing headache threatening to disable me from working, a heavy heart and a dead soul ready to wave the white flag of life.

Then I saw Ate Inday's note. Her birthday's coming up and with that, an annual check up to make sure those cancer cells have not come back. Her mission for the next couple of days is to hold an exhibit with photos of women who love life.

I would love to help out. I would love to take those photos and to offer to share myself. But here I am unloving my own life.

There really is very little that I should hate about mine. I live in a comfortable house, I have my clothes, I have a car at my disposal, I eat full meals. But I do hate myself and I do hate my life. And I can't help it. It's like the littlest blow to my soul eats up my insides, nibbles at the smallest tinge of hope at a promise of a future with the one I love, raising our little one to be an extraordinarily compassionate, earth-loving, vibrant and responsible individual, managing a highly rewarding career that is devoted to service and inspiring to others.

This emptiness is extremely debilitating. I grasp at whatever I can just to keep myself from slipping into that dark abyss that I have so many times plunged into. But sometimes, just sometimes, it feels like the very same things, people, places, and memories you hold on to are the same ones that push you down.

I have my masteral study to finish in a few weeks, a deadline this Friday, an event to oversee for a few more months, and nephews to watch over for a few more years yet I am ready to give these all up because I am tired. I am exhausted. My mind is tired from thinking too much, my soul has been left for dead from the many blows caused by a lack of acknowledgement, appreciation, and validation. Yes, we all need validation sometimes.

All I need is reassurance from you that you can be truly trusted, that your plans include me because at this point, my life and your life is OUR life, that you really, truly want to be with ME because you want to and because your life will not be the same without me. I need to know that despite our differences, there is no threat to what we have. That you love me for everything that I am, flaws and physical and psychological challenges notwithstanding. Because if you are tired, can you imagine how I must feel living with myself? :(

All I need from them is acknowledgement that what I do is important, that it is not of less importance than hers, that I am capable of doing something worthy of their pride. I just want them to be proud of me, to really mean it when they say I can do whatever I want or achieve whatever I aim for, to believe that I am meant to do something important. I need them to see that she treats me poorly, looks down on me, and thinks lowly of me, like I am some dim-witted, shallow, selfish, self-centered, irresponsible brat while she is the model daughter, thoughtful, obedient, and perfect, who deserves everything. Open your eyes and see how she treats me, as if I am some lowly being not her equal who does neither deserves her time nor respect.

I am tired. Once again, the optimism and verve that I've been feeling the past few weeks has run out. There is nothing left but emptiness.

Our Last Farewell to the Late President Corazon Aquino

2009-08-05T17:57:00.000+08:00

Our Last Farewell to the Late President Corazon Aquino

It was past 12 midnight when Lia picked me up to go to Manila Cathedral. Inasmuch as I shared the grief with everyone else, to be perfectly honest, I eagerly said yes to her invite to go to the wake mainly because it was a chance to go out and be with her. In fact, on the way, while looking for parking along Roxas Boulevard, I asked her, "How far are we willing to walk and wait?" thinking that I cannot walk and wait 4 hours, in the rain, in the baha.

We agreed to walk and stay for as long as I can, until we can stand the rain.

We walked from Roxas Boulevard, about a block before the rotunda to the walled city's gates. We walked and walked, looking for the end of the line. We walked until Greenwich and Mini Stop, stopped to regroup and decide if we were going to try to find the end of the line or turn back and head home. We decided to go to the side of the Church instead to say a little prayer.

On our walk back, the heaven poured out its sorrow, mourning along with everyone else. While rushing off to find cover under the nearby fire station, we were surprised to the crowd seemingly disappear. The long line that twisted and turned in and around the buildings of the walled city was gone. We decided to brave the rains and look for the end of that suddenly shortened line to the cathedral.

We found the end of the line along the first street on the right from the walled city's gates. We wondered why that line was cut, why the line got shorter. Seeing people running back, helpless and resigned to never seeing the late President, the braver and more determined we felt in waiting and walking to the church. No "Wala na, di na kayo makakapasok. Umuwi na kayo; kami nga bumalik na eh. Baha! May stampede sa loob!" could deter us from sticking to our quest.

Admittedly told Lia, "Li, pwede kung may baha, tapos mataas, uwi na tayo? Di ko yata kakayanin yun eh." Upon reaching the corner of Calle Real and Calle Sta. Lucia, the line we were following stopped. We didn't know if people are officially being sent home, if the church's gates have been closed to the public already. It was, after all, almost 3 a.m. The group behind us, an enthusiastic and encouraging bunch who were cheering everyone on to keeping in line despite the urging to go home and give up, hesitated. Do we proceed or not?

I couldn't help but think how it was reminiscent of what is currently happening to our country. Those of us in line, we were all staunch believers of democracy and of a progressive Philippines, that we will weather the storm our country is experiencing in so many ways. But then, when the times get tough, some of us chicken out, get scared and scuttle back home. They are those who listen to the discouraging wails, constant criticisms, and cynicism. One discouraging word, we give up and jump ship. Some cower and suffer in silence while others flee the country and seek greener pastures elsewhere but their own motherland.

Then there are those of us who still believe that we can make it, that we will achieve the kind of Philippines that we all so desire--with faith and determination. Looking ahead, Lia sees a stretch of the road flooded with water up to the ankles. The rain starts to pour lightly again. Beside us, a security van stops, with a security person being bombarded by the crowd whether it was still advisable to continue or not. We try to listen to their advice but to no avail. They have no word as to whether the church is still open, if we can still go in, if the supposed stampede and chaos has been calmed and sorted. Much like how we are waiting for word now if our country can make it, if we should stay or go, because no one knows how bad the state of the country really is because the ones in power are not being truly honest.

Anyway...

Seeing that the line seems to have been cut and the crowd seems to have given up, Lia encourages me to take a pedicab instead to get past the flooded stretch and check farther ahead if the line up front is still there and still moving. Manong pedicab driver brings us to the end of the line and we take our place. We were the last in line.

Several minutes later, two big groups follow us. We were closer this time, turning right to Muralla Street. The rain has stopped by this time and the crowd less restless. Manong taho vendors line the street, offering hot, fresh taho and nilagang mani. The streets were dirty, litter was all over. (Is it so difficult to keep your wrappers in your pockets? Sana may maglinis nun ngayon.)

After three hours, we can finally see the back of the grand towers of Manila Cathedral. We were finally by the homestretch!

It wasn't long before we saw the two lines leading to the church's grand doors. A kind policeman told us to take the left line if we wanted to see the President's face (the right lane leads to the the lower end of the casket). Lia and I take the left line, despite my trepidation on seeing her face. I simply wanted to remember her happy and smiling.

As the line turned into the church, I was on the verge of tears. I didn't want Lia to see me cry--cry in sadness for the President's passing, cry in relief for getting that far, cry in desperation and worry that maybe our chance at achieving a progressive, democratic, and united Philippines has passed. "I'm getting teary-eyed," Lia says. "Please don't say that or else I'll cry," I respond.

As we enter the church, I see the hundreds of other mourners who braved the cold, the hours long wait, the rains, the winds, traffic, and hunger. I see determined faces of many Filipinos--young and old, rich and poor, educated and not-so-educated--all with one purpose: to say goodbye to a brave, honest, and God-fearing servant of the people who united us in toppling down a dictatorship.

She was a wife, mother, and housewife who was called to be a staunch defender of the truth, to actively and determinedly fight for justice for her husband, and to lead a people who so needed guidance and hope during its dark days. As she lay there in deep sleep, she isn't the same woman I remember in photos and on television. Not only because she looks different but because even in death, one cannot deny the effect she has in our hearts and consciousness. Seeing how everyone was polite, kind, and patient with each other while in line, how thankful and prayerful we all are in asking God to finally envelop her safely in His arms, and more importantly, how hopeful we all are now in achieving a peaceful and better country that we have been dreaming of since 1986, I realize that no one has been able to affect and influence the Filipino people as much and as deeply as she has.

It was but a few seconds, barely enough to make the sign of the Cross, a mere glimpse of her face and her bright yellow Paul Cabral suit encrusted with what look to me delicate rhinestones. Had we given up, had we listened to those who walked back in retreat and resignation and defeat, we wouldn't have seen her and be able to say goodbye. What sweet joy and relief! The hours-long wait, the long, tiring, back-breaking walk, the cold and the rain, was well worth it. Perhaps this is how it is, too, in achieving a progressive, peaceful, and united Philippines. The wait is long, the struggle hard, and the challenges back-breaking and exhausting. But it will be all well worth our effort, hard work, and determination.

As the policemen and security team usher people in and out of the church, one cannot see exhaustion on their faces. It is masked by a deep respect for the great woman who passed away peacefully last Saturday, and more surprisingly, a deep respect for the grief, sadness, and mourning that the rest of us who are now orphaned Filipinos.

It is almost five in the morning. The rain has stopped altogether, the air is cool, and the sky is red. Soon, it will be morning and the sun's rays will brighten and warm another day. But for the rest of us Filipinos, the sun seems hidden behind the clouds, the torrential rains continue to drown us immobile. Will the sun ever shine on us again, Mrs. Aquino, now that you are gone?

Now that your bright yellow sunshine of hope has ceased to light our path, we are left to seek guidance and enlightenment elsewhere. It is not to be found in someone else but within ourselves. You and Ninoy have shown us and reminded us that we, the rest of the Filipino people, are worth fighting--and dying-- for. The hope for a better tomorrow for the Filipino people lies not in one person but in each of us. It is our task then to take responsibility for our own fate. We will not forget your legacy, Ninoy and Cory. The fight for justice, fairness, and truth continues and lives on!

Fleeting

2009-07-25T01:04:00.002+08:00

This morning I was feeling all giddy and happy. For some reason, now, I feel empty. What's wrong?

The past couple of months I've been feeling this but the past few weeks' events have distracted me from this emptiness inside. Oh well. It simply hasn't gone away.

I've done all I can.

Right now, this Barry Manilow song comes to mind and it saddens me: "I've been up, down, trying to get the feeling again..." I just feel... dead. It's so sad.

How I wish I'd feel inspired again. How I wish I can feel that fire burning inside me. That passion that used to ignite inside me. Where has it gone?

I don't know where it is. I'm sorry.

Amazing ü

2009-07-24T11:36:00.001+08:00

Have you ever been caught by surprise by how much love you can feel inside you that you just want to burst?ü I'm feeling that now. And while I know we're neither perfect nor do we have a perfect relationship, I just feel so much love for this person that I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.ü

For myself...

2009-07-22T19:07:00.001+08:00

on those many nights these past few weeks that I felt this way. Understand.

For you who seems to have forgotten. Remember...

2009-07-22T19:01:00.001+08:00

I love you with all my heart and soul. Come back to me soon...

For you whom I love with all my heart and soul.

2009-07-22T18:58:00.002+08:00

For you, my friend...

2009-07-22T18:56:00.003+08:00

who needs to be reminded what she's worth, what she deserves. It doesn't get any easier the longer you put it off. Pain is pain. Love is love. They're not the same thing but sometimes they're intertwined. Feel better soon, my friend. Take care. This is for you. And oh, this too.

Come back to me soon...

2009-07-22T18:24:00.002+08:00

Sometimes you can't find the words to say what you feel. Sometimes other people have those words you want to say. For you, whom I miss so much, even when you weren't time zones away.

Busy bee me! :)

2009-07-19T17:02:00.002+08:00

It's been a very busy last two weeks with my dad having his heart bypass operation, Lia leaving for Saskatoon, tons of errands for the house, and deadlines looming over my head left and right. I'm done with my article but I still haven't started writing Chapters 1-4 of my paper. I haven't even done much research. I need to go to school tomorrow to research some more. Add to that, I have a book to read and about 15 journals to read. I am *this* close to panicking.

Good news abounds though. :)

1. Daddy's surgery was a success! No more worries about bad cholesterol and triglycerides wreaking havoc on his health. His heart's as good as new! He's out of the hospital and back home now at the condo. Thank God I don't have work, otherwise, I wouldn't have been able to stay with my mom at the hospital and watch him with her. Indeed, everything happens for a reason.

2. Submitted article for SP. And I didn't even feel like puking while writing the 2500-3000 word thing. Woohoo! It was late, yes, but I got three doctors to interview. YEY!

3. Finally picked up post employment stuff from the office. Will need to go back to pick up the rest of my stuff, return an office-assigned phone and my desk key and I'm off! Thank God!

4. Started researching for my paper. I was able to borrow a very informative book (which I should start reading right about now) that will really give me an idea on how to go about the study I am embarking on. Need to get in touch with a lot of people -- some of whom may not be happy that I am talking to them! Hahahahahahaha! But, well, anything for my education. The lez community should be piqued about what I'm doing. :P And I've started writing a draft outline so that's a good start, too. :)

5. Lia and the RP Blu Boys are in Saskatoon. Landed safely in Vancouver, then Calgary, then Saskatoon so I'm happy. Best part: they've won 2 games already!!! :) I'm praying they do well against New Zealand later. :) *crossing fingers*

I really hope they finish well. :) They're a good team and they need to have some support. It's too bad the Philippine media do not even write about their accomplishments. They've qualified for the World Men's Softball Championship--which something like the Olympics of the softball world--so they're really good. Sadly, Filipinos here don't realize it. I don't even know why news about basketball and other sports where we don't really excel at are given more editorial space than sports like softball where we are doing well and can really excel at are not. Labo, man! Doesn't make sense. *sigh*

For more info on the World Men's Softball Championship, go here.

6. Ateneo's won its last three games at the UAAP! YEY! :) Go Ateneo! One Big Fight! :D I love my school! * happy and proud sigh*

Lia says I look at the Eagles as if they're my children. I look like a proud mom daw when they step out of the dugout and on to the court. :P

7. I've been staying with the parentals the past couple of days. I feel comforted preparing their meals for them, easing some household load off my mom so she can care for my dad, and knowing they're safe and snug in bed at night. And nothing beats staying at home when there's a typhoon when you have a well-stocked kitchen, an airconditioner, and cable TV. Hahahaha!

But sadly, I've been missing Lia terribly. It's been 5 days since I was last with her. We chat and voice call practically everyday but still I miss her. :( How will I last months without her when she finally leaves? :( *sigh* I think we have to rethink our gameplan for that...

So tomorrow will be one busy day, and the rest of the week will be full of reading and writing. I guess I need to plan the meals for the rest of the week so it won't take too much of my time. From the way things are going, if I want to finish chapters 1 -4 of my paper and have it ready for submission on the 31st, I need to start writing by Wednesday, for about 14 hours a day. That gives me 10 days times 14 hours, for a total of 140 hours. Okay. Good luck to me! :D

2009-07-05T00:07:00.001+08:00

I envy my friend Therese. She seems happy with her job, despite the glitches and she's super happy with her hubby, Brian. Theirs seem to be an almost perfect relationship. I read her tweets and she's so happy with their ritual of coffee and chats at the end of the day. She's so blessed to have such a wonderful relationship.

My brother and sister-in-law got in about an hour ago. I'm sure they had a relaxing Saturday together.

A number of those so-called friends will go home later drunk and all-danced out from a night of partying.

A couple of my grade school friends will surely update their Facebook stats tomorrow with stories of their giddy and blissful weekend with their hubby and kids.

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC: SLO-PITCH SOFTBALL GAME ON JUNE 6, 2009

2009-06-03T11:18:00.001+08:00

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC: SLO-PITCH SOFTBALL GAME ON JUNE 6, 2009

May 31, '09 8:30 PM
for everyone

Everyone's invited to join our slo-pitch softball game on Saturday, June 6, 2009 9:00am.

Don't know anything about softball? Don't have equipment?

Need not worry just come in and prepare to have fun, we'll do the rest :)

Our co-ed slo-pitch game will be at the Meralco Softball Field onSaturday, June 6, 2009. Warm-up starts at 9:00am and game starts at 10:00am. Wear playing attire, cap and bring sunblock.

FEE: Php 150

If you're shy, bring your friends and get ready to have fun. See you!

The more the merrier!

For inquiries email softbelles@gmail.com or sms me at 0916-4371681

2009-05-29T22:41:00.003+08:00

There's a stuffed dragon on a pink stuffed cloud on my sister's desk. The helper cleaned my room and placed a smaller teddy bear in front of the dragon in such a way that it looks like dragon is banging teddy bear from behind. Pervy.

It used to be funny.

I don't find it funny anymore.

---

I used to be a white floral poodle skirt paired with a white spaghetti-strapped tank top and mint green cardigan and white ballet flats.

I used to be a bright red shirt dress worn over tank top and tight bootleg jeans, with boots.

I used to be a white tube top and blue jeans with a red feather-adorned strappy Roman-sandal-esque four inch heels.

---

Once, I didn't dance. I just love listening to the music, feeling the rhythm flow through me. But I didn't budge. I was self-conscious, I was young.

Once, I was swept off my feet. You with your smooth dance moves and naughty grin that, when matched with a wink, melted my heart and weakened my knees.

Once, I danced with no care. I danced in the confines of my room, with no one watching, but hoping someone -- you -- would. I wanted you to see me, see me, and think that I am everything you thought I was: shiny, beautiful, mesmerizing, intoxicating.

Once, I stopped dancing. Because I can hardly move. Can hardly feel the music. Can hardly feel anything. I was hollow, empty.

The girl who didn't dance, the girl who was swept off her feet, the girl who dance with no care, was gone.

---

Have you ever been afraid of silence? I used to think I can handle silence. It seemed harmless, innocent. It turns out silence scares me. It reminds me of empty spaces and hollow souls. There is nothing but it speaks volumes. It is deafening even when there is nothing. And when there is a sound, no matter how far away, it is loud and piercing.

---

A stupid fucking mouse has been traipsing all around my room the past couple of weeks. When I see it, I will smash it to pieces. I don't care if the blood splatters all around. I will make sure nothing is left of it. Not even a wee bit.

Or maybe I won't. I'm too scared. Its family might look for him, learn that I smashed him to smithereens and come back for revenge. I'd hate to find my much treasured clothes and bags with itty bitty bite marks all over it.

2009-05-27T20:50:00.001+08:00

"To annihilate the world by annihilation of one's self is the deluded height of desperate egoism. The simple way out of all the little brick dead ends we scratch our nails against.... I want to kill myself, to escape from responsibility, to crawl back abjectly into the womb." - Sylvia Plath

sigh

2009-05-27T15:55:00.003+08:00

Had a fight with her. I hate it when that happens. I just want us happy. :( *sigh*

Anyway, have to muster enough strength to finish this stupid awful article.

----

I wish we're okay and we're spending the day together. That would really make me happy.

Isn't it a wonder?

2009-05-07T01:30:00.002+08:00

How one can stay in love with someone for so long? :)

I'm not saying that one should expect to be in love in a continuous, constant state. It never usually happens that way. But if you can keep that feeling alive in your relationship, then that's awesome!

I love her! And I'm crazy about her all these years! :) How awesome is that???

It just amazes me how, despite our intense arguments and fights, Li and I still manage to feel kilig with each other. :) And oh, thank God those arguments have lessened. They were so much more mababaw before. It's still a matter of sorting our communication styles and making ourselves clear and avoiding assumptions and jumping to conclusions -- and that does take some work.

Anyway, going back...

It's one of those now rare days that I'm not with her and she's not home with me so I'm a wee bit lonely but just thinking of her makes me happy. :) I just wish she isn't so busy or that she won't work so hard just for some time so we can spend more time together. It pisses me off, too, that she works so damned hard and those people she works for neither appreciate what she does nor do they deserve her services.

At least I know she's home and that she's snug in bed. I just hope her headache's gone and that she isn't coming down with something. It's so hard to get sick now. People are so praning. And this hot-and-cold weather isn't helping much in staving off any sickness either.

I wish she were here beside me so I can hold her hand, snuggle closer against her and she can hold me close. I feel safer when she's around.

Oh well. I'm off to bed now.

Censored at Midnight

2009-04-03T00:38:00.002+08:00

It's 12:38 a.m. and I'm not doing anything. ANYTHING. I've over-Facebooked myself, AI bores me, my TV's remote control is still missing, and there's nowhere to surf to. Yes, I do have about, oh, 5,000++ in my Yahoo inbox but I'm too lazy to sort through that sh*t. If I hit email rock bottom, I'd delete those f***ing read and unread mail and start fresh.

Lia's at home, I bet safe and snug in her bed, wandering off in dreamland for almost 4 hours. She hasn't had enough sleep this week and comes home exhausted every day this week. But she's not the cranky one.

I don't know when it started and I don't know what triggered it but I am freaking restless. The last time few times I've felt certain about anything was back in 2007 and 2008. I hate being in limbo, I hate not knowing where I'm going. Lia knows this. I hate walking aimlessly through a carpark, I hate walking anywhere and not know where I'm going. What more not knowing where my life is leading. *sigh*

A few months ago, I knew what I wanted. I had a goal and I had a plan.

Now I don't have a plan and I don't think I care about my goal.

Can you lose track of yourself just like that?

I miss being feisty, I miss being happy. I miss waking up every morning with a purpose, with a list of things to do for the day, with little goals I needed to accomplish to reach my bigger goals. I miss the devil-may-care attitude and I miss being competitive. I miss laughing. I miss the lightness of being that comes with a feeling of security.

I miss having a purpose. Period.

And I miss being able to just speak my mind. To say what I felt, what I thought, what I knew. I miss writing about my thoughts, venting, raving, ranting on paper, in my blog.

I miss me. I don't know where I am and I don't know where I'm going.

This week in April, according to the Stars

2009-04-01T18:23:00.002+08:00

SAGITTARIUS

What are you most afraid of? When you can answer that question objectively and honestly this week, you will come head to head with a heightened fear and have a much better shot at freeing the resistance it is causing in you. What if the simple act of letting go of any and all attachment to a certain outcome was the one thing that released you from your greatest fear? What if by surrendering so totally to where it all leads, you end up inviting it all the way back in? Life is a paradox and this week more than ever you are experiencing the truth of this.

Lean into this fear, let that old part of you finally die, and allow yourself to feel the truth that what you truly desire, you deserve and the universe will see to it that is happens.

===

I shall keep these in mind.

The Bangkok Chronicles

2009-03-20T12:04:00.003+08:00

When my friends Tinggot and Grace asked me and Lia if we wanted to join them in Bangkok, Lia and I grabbed the opportunity. We both needed a vacation and were raring for something new to explore. Little did I know that we were up for an adventure in Bangkok.

Getting There
Bangkok is a three hour plane trip away from Manila. We were lucky to get a cheap plane ticket for the second week of March. We booked right away and worried about the hotel later on.

Cebu Pacific is a budget airline, and so far, I haven't met anyone who had serious complaints about it. They're known to be occasionally late, but then again, PAL is the same. Just following Filipino time then? Hmm.

The flight schedule we got was a little weird – 2100 flight from Manila to Bangkok on the 11th and 0035 flight from Bangkok back to Manila on the 16th. This was fine, however, as my companions didn't want to miss work anyway. Call them slave drivers and workaholics. Hahaha. As far as I was concerned, I just wanted to make the most of my time there so that schedule was fine.

As all Cebu Pac flights have been relegated to the not-so-new NAIA Terminal 3, we were all excited to check it out. But it was, sadly, a disappointment. The supposed fancy airport looked old and tired. It was dark, close to empty, and disorganized. We found ourselves checked in before we paid the terminal fee and airport tax so Grace had to go back to the check in counter to get our boarding passes after paying our fees.

Inside the airport, there were very few restos to choose from. Aside from Seattle's Best Coffee and another Japanese resto, there was a food kiosk offering rice meals. We settled Seattle's instead for some sandwiches (as there was no meal included in Cebu Pacific flights).

As far as I can remember, boarding was on time. I had to make do with my seat though. Tinggot, Grace, and Lia sat together on one row while I sat across them. First trip with Lia and we didn't get to sit together. Boo. Anyway, we slept through the three hour flight despite the occasional bumps.

Upon arriving at Suvarnabhumi Airport at around 11:30 p.m., we got through immigration quite easily, picked up our suitcases, and went to get a metered taxi.

Taxi from Suvarnabhumi Airport to Khao San Road was about ฿351, plus ฿70 for toll fees.

The Hotel
We were booked at Sawasdee Banglumpoo Inn along Khao San Road. We found it through Agoda.com, an online hotel booking service. It was a very reasonably-priced hotel near the tourist area; there was hot water, air conditioning, room service, a fridge, and breakfast was included. We were paying less than Php 4k for four days. Not bad, right?

The day before we left for Bangkok, I read quite a few good reviews and some really bad ones so I was a bit wary about staying there. But we were booked already so there was no more backing out. All I could do was hope for the best.

The downside was that the hotel was located inside one of the alleys. I have to admit that I was actually culture shocked when we arrived at Khao San. It was past midnight, I was tired, and we couldn't find our hotel because apparently, Khao San Road is blocked off from traffic as it is a tourist area. Street vendors mill the streets, tourists eating and drinking spill out onto the road, and locals party until morning in this area.

We had to walk from one end of Khao San Road to the other, amidst crowds of drunk partiers (both locals and tourists), lugging our trolleys. Yes, nothing says “Tourists” louder than walking in the middle of the road tugging 15 kg suitcases behind you.

After passing two other Sawasdee hotels, we finally found Banglumpoo Inn's sign which led to an alley (called in Thai as soi). Thankfully there was as night watchman who helped us carry our suitcases up the stairs. Grace and Tinggot stayed at the second floor (which was actually the third floor) and Lia and I got the third floor (which was actually the fourth floor). Strangely, in Bangkok, we noticed that they start counting their building levels from the ground floor, then 1st level, then 2nd level, etc.

We had initially asked for two superior rooms – one with a double bed and the other two twin beds. We got twin beds for both rooms. Anyway, the beds were side by side so it wasn't much of a problem. Aside from this, the bathroom was quite spacious and had a bidet. Pretty good for a budget hotel.

The next morning, we had breakfast at the downstairs cafe. Very limited choices but quite filling enough for a busy morning. Continental breakfast includes two eggs (scrambled, omelette, or sunny side up), a choice between ham, one strip of bacon, or two pieces sausages, two slices of toast bread with jam and butter, and coffee or tea. Coffee was actually a half cup of very strong coffee served with milk on the side; a good blend, I must say. I had scrambled eggs with ham everyday for the four days we were there. I'm redundant and a creature of habit that way.

During our first day, the server assigned to our table, Trainee No. 099, saw Lia checking out the map, plotting our way to the temple area. He volunteered to help us by asking (in broken English), “Where you going?” and asked one of the waitresses who spoke better English to help us with directions and transportation info. Talk about initiative and altruism. :)

Day 1 – Temple Day
We decided to get the whole temple tour out of the way on our first day, and thankfully, after careful planning and thorough research, we knew that we were very near the three main attractions in Bangkok: Wat Phra Kaew, Grand Palace, Wat Pho, and Wat Arun.

Words simply cannot express and will be very much lacking if I try to explain and describe how amazing and wonderful these sights are. They are unbelievably and wonderfully made. I can't even begin to imagine how one could have thought of creating such masterpieces. Check out my Bangkok photo album at ceiababes.multiply.com/photos/ to see these wonders for yourself.

The attention to detail and the skill involved in creating these structures are awesome. I found myself open-mouthed and awed so many times while inside these walls that I don't think even my photos did them justice. The Thais have such a rich culture that they have preserved very, very well. These temples and halls give off such a strong, grand, and creative vibe, and at the same time, it emits such a powerful sense of peace and tranquility. Despite the gold paint and trimmings, the shimmering gems and intricate designs, Wat Phra Kaew, the Grand Palace, Wat Pho, and Wat Arun are very spiritual grounds.

Day 2 – Hua Hin & Khao Takiap
Lia and I allotted one day for a trip outside of Bangkok. Lia had wanted to check out any Bangkok beach and our choices were either Pattaya or Hua Hin. We chose Hua Hin because according to web research, Hua Hin is more upscale, has less people, and caters more to the tourists.

As the website TourismThailand.com says, “281 kilometers south of Bangkok, Hua Hin, which literally means stone head in Thai, is the oldest beach resort of the country and is still very popular. Clean white sand, crystal clear water and a tranquil atmosphere has continued to attract tourists in search of peaceful and relaxing holidays.”

We took a cab to the Bangkok Bus Terminal (about ฿80 from Khao San). From there, we bought the 8 a.m. ticket to Hua Hin which set us back ฿150 each. Contrary to what you might read online, the trip took a little over 3 hours because the bus would constantly stop to pick up passengers along the way. We were also quite unlucky with the bus – it was old and rickety, the aircon would stop working, the engine would stop running every so often. However, the bus driver and conductor were very helpful and polite.

We had asked the ticket vendor how to get to Khao Takiap from Hua Hin but she said that the bus only stops at Hua Hin. She asked the conductor to assist us and later were told that we were getting off by the road to Khao Takiap. We were literally dropped off by the side of the road to Khao Takiap that we had to walk the rest of the way into Khao Takiap.

Thankfully, we stopped by Sunset Boulevard Cafe, a local resto/bar run by a pretty English-speaking Thai lady. She told us that we can hail a local bus from the roadside and that this would take us to Khao Takiap for only ฿10 each.

We decided to have lunch at her cafe and change into our beach clothes. I ordered rice with chicken and basil leaves while Lia got a ham sandwich.

After lunch, we waited for a songthaew to take us to Khao Takiap. It was a short wait, about 15 minutes or so. Inside the bus, we chatted up a local who worked for one of the hotels in the area. He said that he wasn't sure where the public beach was for Khao Takiap but that the public beach he knows of is the one near Sofitel Hua Hin. He informed us, too, that the songthaew would be stopping at the terminal. The ride from Hua Hin into the Khao Takiap terminal took about 10-15 minutes.

We got off the songthaew and Lia, with her beach-sensitive nose, knew that the beach couldn't be far off. We stopped by a hotel and asked how far the beach was and the hotel receptionist said that it was quite near, about 200 meters away. With my poor sense of measurement, I said, “I can do 200 meters. That's 0.2 km only!” Dammit. It wasn't near. Hahaha.

Luckily, we met this nice lady who was walking to the beach, too. We asked her where the beach was and she pointed to the narrow road that Lia guessed led to the beach. Again, the Cookie Monster was right. :D

A short walk further and we found ourselves trudging along on powdery sand. No, it wasn't white sands like what we have in Boracay but it was fine sand. Most of the people hanging out on the beach stayed close to the shade and hogged the lounge chairs while the rest of the uber-wide beach was close to empty. I even challenged the Universe by saying, “This beach better give me a damned good tan! I walked this far and travel this far so this better be worth it!”

It wasn't hard to find a spot in the middle of the beach – it was practically empty! I lay on the sand to nap while Lia took a dip. The water was warm, not as salty as I expected, and quite calm. I only got to dip 20 minutes before we were scheduled to leave and the tide was beginning to rise. There weren't any seaweeds or corals along the beach, too. It's a fairly clean beach with calm waters and very few people – just how I like it! :)

Of course, there were small eateries lining the beach but not as many as in Boracay in the Philippines. They were also quite pricey than what we were used to in the Bangkok so we decided not to eat there.

We walked back to the songthaew terminal, took a songthaew to the Hua Hin terminal for buses going to Bangkok. We got there a couple of minutes too late for the 4 p.m. bus so we had to take the 5 p.m. bus instead. Thank God there were trips every hour until 6 p.m. Bus fare was ฿160 each, a wee bit more expensive than the fare going to Hua Hin, but we later found out it was well worth it. The fare included a bottle of water and one pit stop.

We got to the Bangkok Bus Terminal at around 8:30 p.m. just in time for dinner. We checked out the eateries outside the terminal and decided to eat at one of the Chinese restaurants that sold noodles and rice toppings. Lia got the stewed chicken with rice while I got stewed pork limb with rice. We spent about ฿40 each and even got a bowl of hot broth with our meal!

That night, we planned to check out one of the lesbian bars in Bangkok, Vega. Unfortunately, after taking the BTS and walking five blocks from the station, we still couldn't find the bar! Lia asked for directions from a 7-Eleven but no go. They didn't know where it was.

I read in one of the Bangkok websites that there were other lez bars in Bangkok but I had forgotten to print it out. There were a couple of gay bars in the Silom and Saladaeng areas but we were looking forward to Vega, as it was mentioned in the Lonely Planet guidebook that it was a casual, laid-back, and cozy place for lesbians to hang out in. Perhaps next time we can go to one.

Day 3 – Chatuchak Weekend Market
Since the highlight for our trip was really shopping, my friends and I kept the whole day of Saturday free for the weekend market in Chatuchak. Some of the stalls in Chatuchak open as early as 8 a.m. and close at 6 p.m, Saturday and Sunday.

We had breakfast at 8 a.m. and caught the bus going to Chatuchak, a 25-minute bus ride. Chatuchak is a known for selling everything and anything one can sell – from clothes and food to leather goods to pets and rare (even endangered) animals. If you plan to visit Bangkok, whether you're a shopaholic or not, you shouldn't miss this.

Since the market is h-u-g-e, we only got to check out, I think, a fourth of the whole place. I know, I know! It isn't much. We didn't even get to see the animals being peddled. (Although one lady eating beside us at one of the eateries had a parrot tied to her arm.) I particularly liked the fact that some Thai designers have stalls there.

My favorite buy in Chatuchak Market are fisherman's pants! I love them! So comfy, they come in so many different colors and fabrics – and now, they even have it in two lengths: long pants and capri styles. I got them in brown, aqua, fuschia, and pink.

Keep at least one day free to check out Chatuchak Market. Aside from the clothes, the eateries offer some of the tastiest Thai food for very, very cheap. It can get very hot in Chatuchak but we were lucky the weather was cool, it was cloudy, and we came early. If the heat gets to you, head off to the many food stalls by the perimeter of the market. Take a break and try some Thai iced tea or iced coffee. Or you can try some of those cheap (฿4) ice pops made of Sprite or Pepsi mixed with red or green syrup.

We finally gave up on Chatuchak at around 5 p.m. and headed off to Platinum Mall. My friends bought a bag there that I liked so I asked them to show me the stall. It's a faux leather bag in camel that's big enough to be an overnight bag. Love it.

Unfortunately, the mall was closing early that night so we had no choice but to proceed to the food court instead. Not the best Thai food I've had so I suggest keep to the small street cafes instead.

Platinum Mall sells items for retail and wholesale (three pieces or more). Make sure to ask how many pieces you can purchase to get the wholesale price (about ฿30-50 cheaper than retail). What we did to get the best price was to choose one item each (there were three of us buying) from a store and buying those items as bulk/wholesale. More bang for your buck, right?

Also, if you plan to shop at Platinum Mall, make sure you keep watch over your wallet/valuables. Pickpockets are notorious in the said mall so watch out. Our friend fell prey to one and she had to cancel her credit cards and report the incident to the police.

Day 4 – MBK Mall/Black Canyon Coffee/Khao San Road
We were scheduled to fly back to Manila at 9 p.m. on Day 4 so we decided to take it easy. But we still went to MBK Mall for some last minute shopping.

We were told that Wacoal was being sold very cheap in Bangkok and one of the outlet stores was located in MBK Mall. The store we were directed to go to did have Wacoal products, along with some other lingerie and intimate wear brands. Make sure to ask if you can try them on to make sure they fit well.

MBK is a pretty big mall, too, but with stores selling less popular brands and non-branded items. Here, we bought Thai snacks to give away to our loved ones such as sweetened tamarind by the gram, packaged, dried and seasoned cuttlefish, squid, and fish snacks, etc. We all particularly liked the tom yung flavored dried fish snack being sold by the gram.

From MBK, we went to Thanon Na Phra Lan for our last Thai lunch at Krisa Cafe. We were disappointed though as it was closed on a Sunday. We ate at Na Pralan Cafe a few doors down instead. The food was not as tasty as in Krisa but it was okay. We got rice dishes again, along with a refreshing seafood salad.

On the way back to our hotel, my friend whose wallet was stolen got a call from Platinum Mall. They informed her that her wallet was found so we had to rush over to the other side of the city to claim it. Thankfully, she got all her IDs back.

While waiting for her, we agreed to meet up at Black Canyon Coffee. Black Canyon Coffee was said to be the local Starbucks of Bangkok. True enough, they had very good coffee blends. Our recommendation: the Blackpuccino, Black Canyon Iced Coffee, and Green Tea Frappe (average ฿75 each).

After our leisurely Sunday afternoon coffee, we went back to Khao San to explore the area. We had failed to explore Thanon Khao San fully as we were usually out until late and the area becomes quite rowdy at night.

Thanon Khao San is a very vibrant and exciting place as early as 3 p.m. Most stores and stalls are open at around 5 p.m., with the street peddlers at their most number a little before the night falls. Food stalls are best enjoyed at this time; you get to see the goodies being cooked in front of you, you are able to try the food at its freshest, and you are able to appreciate the kaleidoscope of tastes, colors, and textures being sold.

Some of the best-looking clothes I've seen were being sold on Khao San Road – some even better than the ones in the malls. These are a bit more expensive than the ones being sold at Chatuchak Market but for tourists who decide to head off to the beaches of Thailand on a whim need not worry about forgetting their swimsuits and beach wear; you can easily grab what you need from Khao San. Pretty swimsuits and beach dresses, as well as colorful flip-flops are available in many stalls.

Being an area more popularly known for its predilection for anything reggae (music, clothing, accessories, etc.), Khao San also offers tattoo and henna services and braiding/dreadlocks hairstyling to tourists.

If you're staying in the Khao San area, take note of the Airport Bus Service located at the end of the road. This bus can take you to the airport for a mere ฿150, much cheaper than taking cab if you're travelling solo. Group travellers will find it more economical to take a cab instead, as you can split the tab of around ฿420 (including toll fees) among yourselves.

The Food
I must say that indeed, Thailand is best known for its food. One cannot get hungry in Thailand as there are food stalls, open air restaurants and grills, sidewalk cafes, and food markets everywhere.

You can grab a bite for as cheap as ฿10 (a skewer of chicken, pork, or beef) or a drink for ฿15 (a can of softdrink, bottled water, or fresh dalandan juice). The tasty and filling pad thai we bought in Hua Hin while waiting for out bus back to Bangkok cost a mere ฿25. Street cafe food averages for about ฿50 per rice dish (without drink) while foodcourts in malls will cost about ฿60 (with drink).

The most distinct flavor one will notice in Thai food is the spiciness. While most restaurants will ask you if you would like your dish to be spicy (to which you might instinctively answer with, “Mild only, please”), expect that the dish will be spicier than you asked for. Most dishes have spring onions and cilantro, one of the most striking herbs you'll taste in Thai food. I'm not a big fan of cilantro but with the way the food is cooked and mixed with other flavors, the strong cilantro flavor mixes really well with the other ingredients. I still took out the big cilantro pieces but I still love it. Other distinctly Thai flavors you will love: lemongrass, red chili, coconut milk, red chili, fish sauce, and more chili.

Some of the best things I've tasted in Thailand:

Pad thai: noodle dish with chicken, pork, or shrimp with egg, spring onions, cilantro and bean sprouts seasoned with soy sauce, vinegar mixed with garlic, chili fish sauce, chili powder. Noodles come in a variety – wide flat noodles, yellow ramen-like noodles, brown narrow noodles, etc.
Tom yung goong: sour soup broth of prawns seasoned with lemongrass and cilantro
Catfish salad: shredded fried catfish served with white onions, bean sprouts, shredded carrots, peanuts, and red chili seasoned with cilantro and spring onions served on a bed of lettuce with a vinaigrette of lemon juice, a bit of sugar, and chili powder
Seafood salad: shrimp, fish, and squid with white onion cooked in a vinaigrette of lemon juice, cilantro, spring onion, and chilis
Seasoned chicken skewer
Prawns in garlic and pepper
Stewed chicken with basil leaves
Lemon Soda: lemonade with Sprite (and sometimes with a splash of red syrup)
Singha Beer

The People
The Good: Most of the Thais we met have been quite friendly. Although we were mistaken a few times as Thais, they readily assisted us whenever we ask for directions or an English menu. They seem to be unfazed by the many tourists milling their city and even welcome them with open warms. Special mention and many thanks to the breakfast crew of Sawasdee Banglumpoo Inn and night receptionist Neet (or is it Nyet?) who helped us much in finding the right bus and giving us directions to different places in the city.

The Bad: Of course, I must admit that I cannot even begin to fathom why, with the many tourists coming and going in their city, why the Thais do not seem to have the interest to learn English. It amazes me how many of them – even those who are in jobs that require constant communication with foreigners – cannot even speak clear, understandable English.

The Ugly: On the last day of our stay at Sawasdee Banglumpoo Inn, the woman who checked us out complained that we had deliberately wet the bed after we checked out. The truth of the matter is that right before we stepped out of the room, I was filling in and drinking water from our water container which I placed on the bed beside our bags. I spilled some water on me and my girlfriend Lia accidentally spilled water on the bed when she picked up her bag to get something. The Sunday morning receptionist insisted that we had deliberately spilled water on the bed, saying, “No! No accident!” To which the lady manning the travel agency across from the receptionist's desk even added, “Really?! No, no accident!” Much to our annoyance.

My point is this, why would we wet the bed on purpose? We were checked out already and we were ready to leave the room. Travel agency girl need not butt in and add to the rude receptionist's ire.

Later that day, when our friends were checking out, Neet happily assisted us, even taking care of our luggage which we had left temporarily for storage. She was her usual warm self, chatting easily with us with the little English she knew. So rude receptionist: Bah! Boo to you!

The Shopping
Bangkok is an awesome place for shopping as the prices are low and the goods are oh-so-a-plenty! I'm a big shopper and I love it that I have a myriad of choices in clothes and accessories. A discerning shopper will find Bangkok a good place to find good bargains and you can really stretch your buck in Bangkok.

Make sure to check for good fabric and clean tailoring. Some items may look good and are definitely cheap but it shows in the worksmanship and fabric used. Also, there aren't any fitting rooms to try on the clothes you might fancy but trust the shopkeepers to know your size and allow them to measure you if need be.

My girlfriend and our friends bought several pairs of pants without having tried them on – the shopkeepers merely measured their waists and hips with a tape measure. When we got home, they tried on their purchases and whaddayaknow! They all fit perfectly. :)

Food is another awesome buy in Bangkok. Make sure to try out their native delicacies – dried fish, squid, cuttlefish, etc. before purchasing. These are all very flavorful and spicy. Perfect gift to bring home to adventurous eaters. Make sure to purchase from OTOP stores to ensure cleanliness and high quality. Plus, look for good packaged food products as some of these can really smell. You wouldn't want that customs officer in your home country to give you a dirty look when checking your bags. Or worse, don't place them in your suitcase as your clothes might start to smell like dried cuttlefish or tom yung flavored dried fish.

The Vedict
I initially didn't like what I saw when we got to Bangkok that first night. I found Khao San Road to be too noisy, with too many drunk teenagers and yuppies milling the streets on a week night. We had to walk blocks to get the nearest BTS Station. The cabbies were all asking for ridiculous cab fares instead of following their meters. And the streets were crowded, dirty, potholed, and dark.

I found most of the streets we walked to the newer area of the city to be dingy and noisy. The eateries along the road seemed too dirty and unsanitary. And the street food we had tried on the first night was oily, cooked in day old oil that has seem much too many skewered cardboard-like meats, and the spring rolls were cold and old. I was beginning to get disappointed.

The temple visits and our trip to Khao Takiap beach were the highlights of my first two days. I was hoping it could get better because it was making me irritable and snappy and pretty much not a fun trip companion.

I missed Manila immensely – where the sidewalks I have to walk, streetfood I eat, and the bathrooms I have to use are clean.

However, the food and the shopping made up for all the not-so-nice things I was seeing and experiencing. I eventually got the hang of the weird transportation system and even began to love Bus No. 511 (which, from Thanon Khao San, took us everywhere).

Overall, Bangkok is an interesting city. It is colorful, vibrant, alive. It is a food haven, full of flavors and tastes that make your palate come alive. And just like in any city, you will find rude locals but you will also find soft-spoken natives who will happily help you find your way around their town.

And oh yes, just like any girl, I will definitely go back to Bangkok to shop my heart out.

2009-03-10T18:08:00.003+08:00

It's been ages since I've seriously blogged about anything. No, I haven't been really busy. It's just that I don't really blog much when I'm happy. Wait, I do. But not as often as I'd like to. I've noticed that when I'm with the Cookie Monster, I don't blog as much -- only when I'm majorly pissed. It's either blogging or cleaning the bathroom -- and I'd rather blog than inhale chemical fumes from bathroom cleaning products.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little low lately despite the upcoming trip with Cookie Monster, Orange Git, and G. I don't know if I'm anxious because I don't know what to expect or because we planned it ourselves. I'm used to having my Mom and Dad plan the family trips and the only thing I have to consider is planning our itinerary.

Perhaps I'm a bit anxious too because of the language barrier. I've just recently realized that I don't particularly like foreign alphabet; strange symbols and writing make me uncomfortable. Unless I have someone who knows the language, too, or I'm in a highly urbanized city, I feel slightly stressed out. So good luck to me.

I haven't really packed yet, too. I've set out clothes I'm planning to bring but so far I haven't really decided on which ones make the final cut. It's just a few days but I'm having a hard time deciding what to bring because I don't know which to prioritize: comfy shoes or light clothing? Comfy shoes mean the clothes I'll be wearing are not humidity-proof. Light clothing means I'll be wearing my fave assortment of flip-flops but risk having my feet stepped on. What to do? Which to choose?

Cookie Monster says I should wear mojos but I don't have mojos. I want to be comfy -- and I'm comfortable most in flip-flops but I know it'll kill my feet. And what about if we go to the mall? I don't want to look like a beach bum naman.

So anyway, I haven't packed so I have to cram tonight. Thank God Cookie Monster will be there to help. :D

In other news...

I'm getting anxious not having anything to do. When we get back, I'd have to email my thesis adviser about continuing working on my paper. I really want to finish it na. It's been too long and I really won't have the time anymore to work on it but now. Wish me luck. :)

I want to change my topic (not such a good idea, I think) but I'm getting quite fed up with the topic. I want to work on something that would be more useful for me in the future. I'd have to bring it up to Sir M and pray (very hard) that he will let me do everything over. I'm confident I will do a much much better job with this new topic in mind.

It sucks being unwell. Really. People tend to think that you can just "snap out of it" by "thinking positive" but it's really not that simple. It's not like people who are unwell like me like being in this state. It's most definitely not a happy place and it takes a lot of work to stay out of the black zone.

I haven't truly come out of it, I have to admit. It's comes and goes. Like swimming. Sometimes the water is calm, sometimes it's rough. But the challenge is to fight being swallowed by the big, dark waves.

I envy people who can ride the waves with ease. I never did have good balance and I don't particularly feel comfortable in the water. No wonder. Haha.

Right now, I'm just feeling low. I'll get through this, I know I will. I've been through worse.

I guess I just need little goals to aim for, to keep myself from getting crazy. Haha. After I left the magazine, I said to myself I need to rest first, to recharge and regroup. I said I want to go to the gym, practice my (novice) culinary skills, spend more time with my nephews. I've been going to the gym, practicing my kitchen skills, and run out of patience for my nephews (I have decided to give up disciplining them when their parents are around -- it's hopeless). I need something new to preoccupy myself.

Right now, I want to go to Matabungkay with Cookie Monster and just relax. I need blue skies, a cool breeze, and the sand -- and nothing to worry about. My mind and soul are not at peace; they are restless and searching for something they do not know.

I hope working on my paper will be a good goal this time. I need to focus on something and I need to finish that paper anyway. Maybe when I'm done with it I'll see more clearly where I want to go next in my life...

First Matabunkay Trip (and other silly firsts)

2009-02-24T14:20:00.000+08:00

Well, it's not exactly my first-first Matabunkay trip. My family and I went there when I was 7 years old. I got a very bad sunburn and since then, I avoided the sun... until I met Lia and she reintroduced me to the Sun god. Hahaha. :)

Anyway...

First #1: First Matabunkay trip with Lia

Last Sunday was my first trip to the Esteva house in Matabunkay. After a late night from Melo's Night of the Arts event for the law school, Jessica, Joel, and Lia picked me up from the condo at 5:45 a.m. And off to Matabunkay we went!

Had a short breakfast at McDonald's and slept the whole way through. We got to the Lian market around 9 a.m. and did some marketing for our lunch and dinner meals. (Unfortunately, I forgot to take photos of the yummy food made by Manang.)

We got to the house around 10 a.m., as Lia estimated.

First #2: Setting foot in the Esteva house

I must say, I fell in love with the house the moment I set foot in it! :)

This is where we slept on mattresses and a kulambo. :D

I loved the layout of the house! With it's many folding doors that make the house look so inviting and the high ceiling that made the whole place presko (airy), I knew an overnight stay would be bitin. The place was so serene and conducive to relaxing. I can just imagine writing my first novel (or short story or full feature script) there.

First #3: Seeing a chicken and her chicks cross the road (plus a bonus up-close viewing of a kambing)

Lia and I went out to buy water and ice from the local stores and on the way there I saw these cute chicks (no, not the girl-type!) with the mother hen crossing the street while a black and white goat ate some grass by the roadside. Exag, but this was really the first time I've seen a hen and her chicks cross the road. Lia was sooo amused with me after I told her I've only seen those in cartoons. Hahahaha! And the goat? It was the first time I've seen a local goat up close.

Well whaddaya know??? The chicken did cross the street to get to the other side! :D

My friends, Mother Hen and her chicks

First #4: Tasting Manang's cooking

After a hearty lunch of Manang's sinigang and pritong tilapia, I had my dose of manggang hilaw with salt while Lia napped. I thought I could resist napping but I was wrong. Haha. Contagious pala ang pagka-antukin ng family ni Lia. :D

After our nap, Manang (who had impeccable timing, let me tell you) came to the house with a huge bowl of ginataang mais. The best one I've had in my life so far! :)

Dinner was halaan soup, oh-so-sweet-and-fresh halabos na hipon, inihaw na liempo and talong. Wipe out!

First #5: Being on a balsa

Around 4 p.m. we went to the beach to get some sun, sand, and sea water. Lia made me walk through the water to get to the balsa (raft) which I had to climb on to. Minor feat for me. But I did it! Yey! :)

We went back to the house around 5:30 p.m. because we got hungry and the ginataang mais was waiting for us!

First #6: Putting up a kulambo

Lia suddenly had an allergy attack coupled with a migraine that we had to set up our sleeping area quite early for a pre-dinner nap. A little later, she taught me how to put up a kulambo. :D With some minor adjustments as requested (I couldn't imagine sleeping with anything about a foot off my face), Lia (with a little bit of help from me) set up our kulambo.

Things I learned from this: (a) make sure you adjust the string evenly from all corners of the kulambo, (b) make sure you tuck the edges of the kulambo tightly and securely under the mattress, and (c) make sure you move in and out of the kulambo fast so that no mosquito or any other insect can get through. Hehehehe.

First #7: Seeing a tuko (gecko) up close

Over dinner, Joel entertained us with his dancing which was slightly interrupted by a tuko on the post that he grabbed on to for support. No matter how fascinating those creatures are, I really can't imagine touching them. (Sorry, Triz and Brian, I'm not being discriminating of them ha, I'm really just chicken. Hahaha.)

And oh, there was neighbor singing videoke, too, to entertain us. :)

We watched The L Word Season 6 Episode 4 on Carrie while Jess and Joel cleaned up the table. We had a few drinks after, over talk of boys (one for Jessica and mostly Joel's). Hahahaha!

First #8: Sleeping under a kulambo

By 11:30 p.m., we decided to hit the sack. It was a cool night but the moon wasn't out, I think, so it was quite dark around the house. Got a little bit spooked because it is dark nga around as Lia said but I got the hang of it eventually. And oh, it was very, very quiet all around, with just the buzzing of the kuliklig to lull us to sleep.

Jessica and Joel inside their little yellow tent.

(Ours was better, right, Li? Hehehehe!)

First #9: Hanging out with Jessica and Joel

I had a blast with Jessica and Joel! :) No dull moment with them, let me tell you that. Daming kwento and daming hiritan. Hehehehe! Love it! :)

Thanks to Joel for introducing me to Katie Melua. ;)

First #10: Waking up beside Lia in her most favorite place with the Matabunkay sun shining softly on my face

In all the years I've known Lia, in all the years that we've been together on and off, I've never set foot in her most favorite childhood place. Lia always spoke so fondly of summers growing up there with her aunts and uncles and cousins. Her face would always light up whenever she recalled those summers. And yes, she has brought many friends there and created many memories there with them.

***MUSH ALERT***

It feels good to finally be able to experience the warmth and the memories in that home with her. Somehow, now, it's like actually being with her, when she reminisces about those happy times in that house. Like it's another way for me to reconnect with her innermost thoughts and feelings.

Overall, it was a really, really good trip. We all got to relax and recharge. Pero as usual, bitin. I would love to go back and bring our other friends, too. Next time, we'll bring playing cards for some poker or a mahjong set. Maybe next time we can stay longer, get more sun, eat more of Manang's cooking, have more afternoon siestas. :)

Empty

2009-02-06T00:05:00.001+08:00

Yesterday was so different from today. Yesterday my bed was a happy place. It was full of laughter and endless chatter. Yesterday I was certain. Yesterday I looked ahead, there were no distractions.

This morning, I had a new resolve. I knew what I was supposed to do (or not do). Nevertheless, I knew what changes must take place. I knew what I was supposed to give up. I finally understood what it was like and I knew how it felt. I finally got it and I realized how those changes must begin.

I just wish you hadn't said anything this afternoon. It was going to get better anyway. There were going to be changes finally.

But you had to argue when I begged not to. You had to break the happy momentum. If only you had let things be. There was no need to be the nice guy.

It would've been easier to take the news later on if we hadn't had an argument. I would've been in a happy mood and the news would've been anything but sensible and perfectly timed. Maybe then I wouldn't dread The Talk.

But I was saddened by the stupid argument. It made me feel worse.

I'm hoping that like all feelings, like all arguments, these will all come to pass.

Tonight my bed feels empty. Not just because you aren't in it but because I am empty and drained. I'm tired.

One of those days

2008-12-09T11:49:00.001+08:00

I wonder why some people have all the luck. They make wrong decisions but get off scot-free. They suck at what they do, make a major booboo at work to the point that disciplinary action is needed, and yet, they're fine and dandy with no consequence or punishment whatsoever! Not even a freaking slap on the hand!

They cheat on their partners -- with no guilt or remorse -- and yet, they're living happily ever fucking after. Husband and kabit and all! Again, scot-free!

While I have to put up with craziness, paranoia, and all that other shit that go with it. I'm doing my fucking best to be good, to be decent, and yet, I'm the one who's being pushed over the edge!

Where is justice?!

Sometimes there are days that you really, truly just want to kill yourself.

My 2008 Birthday Wishlist

2008-11-19T18:29:00.007+08:00

With my birthday just around the corner, I'm trying to come up with a wishlist but can't.

Never thought I'd have a hard time with that. Hahaha!

So anyway, I'm still trying. I have two lists: a yeah right! list and a what-I-need list. Here's what I have so far.

Yeah, Right Someone Will Give Me This List
I know I have my Canon 400D but it'll be really handy to have one of these smaller cameras ready in my handbag for those times that I eat out with Lia or my family. :)

Nikon Coolpix P80

Sony Cybershot DSC-T300/R or DSC-T700/R

I Would Love To Get One Of These
Portable External Hard Drive
I'm OC, I can't help it. I have stacks and stacks of CDs and DVDs -- and yes, even floppy disks from the 90's that I can't seem to part with. I have files (reports, papers, projects) from high school and college and graduate school that I keep. I have files from my office computer (from SP and even from UBE MEDIA), my mom's computer, my dad's laptop, Melo's laptop, my old laptop, Kuya Ceevee's computer -- whew! -- that I would love to keep in one organized little digital box. :)

My Passport™ Studio™
500 GB, FireWire 400/800, USB 2.0
Ultra fast. Mac®-ready.
Model: WDMT5000

Apple Mighty Mouse
I know, I know. It's just pretty. Hahaha. Hey, it's a wishlist! If someone gave me this, I'll be one happy Mac user. :D

Apple Mighty Mouse
It’s the wired mouse that reinvents the wheel — the scroll wheel. Mighty Mouse features the amazing Scroll Ball that lets you move anywhere inside a document, literally without lifting a finger. And with touch-sensitive technology concealed under the seamless top shell, you can choose either the versatility of a four-button mouse or the simplicity of a single-button beauty.

Switcheasy iPhone and iPod Touch cases
I want the iPhone Colors cases in these colors: Viola, Mican, Bleu, while I want the iPod Touch Capsule case in crystal or red. :)

Don't you just love birthdays??? :)

Going under the knife and recuperating

2008-10-18T22:18:00.007+08:00

I went in for surgery last week for endometriosis. It's a condition wherein I have back flow during my period and this causes cysts to grow in the ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus, etc. My cysts were discovered in my ovaries. They've grown quite big (7 cm and 3.5 cm to be exact) that the cysts need to be removed. My ob-gyne was worried that I wouldn't have good, healthy ovarian tissue left. Thankfully the operation went well and I have a lot of ovarian tissue left. :)

I tried to remember as much as I can. Hopefully the anesthesia didn't affect my memory much. :)

Monday
Went to work and had a shoot until 3 p.m. Went to Medical City to check in (haha parang hotel!) and was admitted at 5pm. Went out around 6 p.m. (nagliwaliw daw muna, haha!) and got back around 8:45 p.m. Timing lang because Lia came from training din.

Took my meds to help me prep for surgery; Mama and Daddy left around 10 p.m. Nurse Vangie came in with Dr. Jerry Biel (pinsan daw ni Jessica, hahaha!) to put IV on me.

Tuesday
Midwife woke me up at 4 a.m. for surgery prep. Nurse Rona gave me a skin test for antibiotics at 5 a.m. Super painful, I cried. :( I tested positive for the first antibiotic that they had to give me a secondary skin test for the same antibiotic. Still tested positive.

By 5:45 a.m., they brought me to the operating room. I waited for Dr. Martinez and Dr. Reyes. The room was soooo cold I was shivering. Nurses gave me a new skin test for second antibiotic.

Dr. Reyes prepped me for the epidural. He spoke to me the whole time which helped me relax. I'm so lucky he was my anesthesiologist. :) After injecting me with local anesthesia, he gave me an epidural. Thirty seconds later, I was numb from the waist down.

By 6:20 a.m. I was ready for surgery.

I was awake the whole time. I would only nap when I felt bored or when I would see my reflection on the lights. I didn't want to see myself being cut open, you see. :D Once, my nose itched, I had to make funny faces at Dr. Reyes just so I can catch his attention. Haha.

I even heard Dr. Reyes and Dr. Martinez chatting about my cysts. By 8:45 a.m., I heard Dr. Martinez give instruction to one of the nurses to look for my family. They had wanted to show my parents the cysts they had taken out but my parents were not in my room. Dr. Reyes teased me, "Inabandon ka na ng pamilya mo?"

Dr. Reyes told me that surgery was done and that they would be closing me up and cleaning up na lang.

A few minutes later, I was in the recovery room. Someone came up to me asking me if I can move my toes. I napped. Another nurse came a few minutes later and asked me the same thing. I was starting to worry but I said no and asked if my mom knew that I was already in the recovery room. She said that my parents knew already. She came back and told me to rest some more.

One of the nurses in the recovery room woke me up asking me if I can move my toes. I said no. She told me that until I can move my toes, I would have to stay in the recovery room. I asked for the time and she said it was 10:30 a.m. She came back and said, "Ceia? Si Emmylou." (Emmylou was a batchmate in high school. If you know Jonathan Menez, then you'd understand why it's funny and ironic that it was Emmylou who was there. :D) She's an OB resident for the recovery room. I felt relieved. :)

At around 11:30, I was getting impatient. I felt like Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. I was willing my toes to move but I couldn't. I, however, can move my knees and parts of my legs from side to side. A few minutes later, I was woken up again and was told that I can be moved back to my room.

Nurses wheeled me in back to my room at 12:30. My dad, mom, and Martin greet me. :) Lia comes in just a few minutes later. Talk about perfect timing. :)

I am moved to my bed and I slip from wakefulness and sleep every so often. I am exhausted but I am very much relieved. I feel no pain whatsoever.

By 2 p.m., I can have sips of water. No food yet though.

I had to move rooms though; there was a very noisy construction going on right by my window.

By 8 p.m., I am visited by loved ones. My first visitor is, to no surprise, Tinggot. :) [I love you dear! Thanks for dropping by!] Thanks to Bem and Carol for dropping by, too. :)

10 p.m., I am in deep slumber, thanks to my meds. :)

Lia stays with me through the night, ready for my water sips.

Wednesday
Lia helps me with breakfast. Still on a liquid diet.

Tita Peewee visits me. I didn't know she (and Tita Honey, her mom) had endometriosis, too. Is it hereditary? I shall research.

I am told I must start turning from side to side by now. And that the catheter must be removed. HUWAT??? I am scared of the pain. Wah!

Still stuck in bed, still on meds. Thank God for painkillers, I am in no pain whatsoever.

Lia and my mom suggest I have catheter taken out. Okay, no pain there. I am able to move from side to side and even tried to sit up. Doctor tells me I cannot have solids until I fart. What the?!?!

Lia, my ever loving and patient honey, encourages me to fart. Ain't she sweet? Hahaha! :)

Oh! No laughing too!!!

Lia stays with me through the night. I wake her up when it's cold, when I need water, when I can't sleep. :( She is so patient. She takes care of me really well. Even when I am grumpy. :(

Thursday
Lia had to leave early for training so my mom takes over. Tita Tess drops by to visit at around 8 a.m.

As usual, I fall asleep and nap. I am still tired and still quite sore (perhaps from too much lying down, tsk!).

Tita Ann, Tita Issa, and Jayvee visit me. Jayvee stayed but a few minutes but of course that's okay. Tita Ann and Tita Issa stay until afternoon.

Goal for the day: fart more so I can eat solids. Hahahaha.

Suffice it to say I am goal-oriented. :)

Here are my dearests, playing games while I exercise my legs bit by bit by walking around the hospital room.

Lia still stays with me. We are both exhausted and she has to study pa for her exam. :( I wish I can be less grumpy. I hate being stuck in bed and being so dependent on her. :( Boohoo.

Friday
I am ready to go home. I can sit up, turn from side to side, walk to the bathroom, and yes, even bathe! :) Yey! :)

I am awesome! Woohoo! :)

Watched the Red Sox vs. Tampa Bay game while waiting for hospital clearance etc. Almost tore my stitches (OA! hahaha!) when I got overexcited when the Red Sox had a good hit, a flyball, and Tampa Bay didn't catch it! Wahahahaha! :D

Sad though that Lia has to go home and I have to stay with Melo in her condo. I want Lia to still take care of me. I am a brat. Yes. I am spoiled. Yes. I want my Lia!

First night home. I sleep soundly but my back hurts. I am no longer on painkillers. :(

Good news: I can start writing again. Yey! I will be back on track in a few days.

Saturday
I miss Lia. I am better because I am cranky again. Hahahaha. I want Lia. Hala. I am cranky talaga.

Still can't laugh though. Wah. Pero may joke si Lia for me:

Ano sabi nung apple sa pineapple?
(Ano?)

Ano tinitingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin tingin.....

WAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

I'll see you people when I'm back on my feet. :D

Thanks to everyone who sent messages through SMS, Facebook, Lia's text, etc. and visited me in the hospital. I feel blessed and ever more loved. :) Thank you. I'll be back in tiptop shape in no time. Lagot kayo! :P

Our First Out of Town Trip - Subic

2008-10-02T00:32:00.004+08:00

Well, not really. :) But it was the first time my mom and dad actually knew we went out of town together. :P

We went to visit Jessica, Lia's cousin, at her house in Subic last Sept. 20. Left Ortigas around 7, at NLEX by 7:30, and got to Subic via SCTEX by 9:30 p.m.

Just stayed overnight--super bitin! But had fun hanging out with Jess and Howie. :) Sarap ng breakfast and lunch, thanks to Howie! Hope Jess had as much fun as we did.

Sa uulitin! :)

===

The trip affirmed what I've always known:

- that I love road trips.

- that Lia is the best road trip buddy!

- that Lia's the only one I ever want to share my bed with. :)

- that Lia spoils me. Teehee. :P

Top Ten ko

2008-09-16T00:35:00.003+08:00

So I'm a big Chico and Delamar fan. I've a top ten for them: Top Ten Things You Want To Say To Ten People But Can't (Or Won't)

Kulang pa nga ang ten sa akin eh. Grabe.

Ang dami kong iniisip--sa work, sa friends, sa family. I've no problem with Cookie Monster. But there's always something we'd like to say to our partners naman, di ba?

It's not necessarily bad. Some are just reminders. Some are just innocent thoughts.

And dami kong gustong sabihin. Hindi lang isang bagay sa isang tao. Hindi lang sampung tao.

Sa dinaldal kong ito, at sa dami na ng nai-blog ko dito, hindi ko pa din masabi. Maybe one day I'll find the courage to say something to those 10++ people.

Right now I'm just trying to find the courage to be honest with myself and to hold true to my promise to stay honest and live an honest life.

It's not so much as lying to myself naman. Because I'm not. In fact, I've been really working hard at being honest with myself that sometimes it seems like I have nothing to hide at all. Okay, di ba?

But then there are things that creep up on you. Life is that way. It surprises you. Just as when you thought you were finding your balance, you lose it.

Then again, it's not so bad. I'm okay with myself. I've been honest and I've confronted a lot of my demons. I've accepted mistakes, searched my soul for the truth in so many things.

I'm more scared about how other people will take it/them. No matter how much you convince people about the truth in certain ideas, thoughts, and realities, they will only believe what they want to believe in.

I've said what I've said. I can explain myself so many times but I'm sure it'll be pointless. But yes. What I've said are the truth. And sometimes, while the truth hurts, it hurts more if you were lied to.

I may have been mistaken about certain things. But what I feel, I don't really make a mistake about those.

I talk a lot, I make jokes, I may be misunderstood. But aren't we all misunderstood?

Hay.

Ang dami kong iniisip...

NO DAY BUT TODAY

From RENT

The heart may freeze or it can burn

The pain will ease if I can learn

There is no future

There is no past

I live this moment as my last

There's only us

There's only this

Forget regret

Or life is yours to miss

No other road

No other way

No day but today

There's only yes

Only tonight

We must let go

To know what is alright

No other course

No other way

No day but today

I can't control

My destiny

I trust my soul

My only hope

Is just to be

There's only now

There's only here

Give in to love

Or live in fear

No other path

No other way

No day but today

The W Weekend

2008-09-16T00:24:00.004+08:00

Working. Weird. Wild. Wacky. Wonderful.

Working: Had a shoot last Sat. Made me realize that I have a tendency to be overly motherly. Haha.

Weird: Had a Carrie moment. Well, sort of.
Carrie Bradshaw (while typing away on her Mac): It was just one of those spur of the moment decisions. I was free to use the car, the shoot ended on time, and my interview was cancelled. I decided to surprise Big at the event and I totally wasn't expecting to bump into people I haven't seen in ages...
But there they were.
(pause, looks up from laptop, thoughtful look on face)
And then it hit me... [Fill in the blank. Hahaha.]*

Wild: Went to Government to party with the Cookie Monster. Had a blast! I love gay men! Woohoo!!!!! I swear, that drink putanginangshet really does make you go putanginangshet! Hahahaha.

Wacky: After partying all night, hung out at home until a little after lunch Sunday. Enjoyed a lazy morning with the boys. Nothing beats hanging out with these silly, adorable boys and chatting with Ate Bubut. :)

Wonderful: Spent the rest of the day with Cookie Monster! Went shopping for shoes (I got a Php 350 pair!), had early dinner at Carlo's Pizza while watching the Ateneo game, bought a gift, and had brainstorming at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf Boni High. Indeed, there is no dull day with Cookie Monster. :) Spending time with you never seems to be enough. As the Leigh Nash song goes, "I [always] need to be next to you!" I miss you again. *sigh*

*Ask me personally how the rest of the Carrie moment goes. HAHAHAHA!

Spending Quality and Quantity Time

2008-09-08T12:57:00.002+08:00

Had a really, really good weekend with L. It's been two weeks since we've spent time together just being lazy and relaxing and having fun and we both needed a break after a long, exhausting, and draining work week.

Because of the whole San Miguel Oktoberfest thing in Ortigas, we decided to go to our fave mall in the whole of Manila: Greenbelt. We had dinner at Cafe Bola where she had a sandwich and I had the baby squid bowl. Forgive me, I forget the proper names. Anyhoo, Lia and I were laughing out heads off because my dish was so not a date dish. We were laughing that there should be a warning for those on a date not to order that dish, or suffer the consequences. Lia goes, "Honey, buti na lang we're a couple na and we've been together 10 years." "Why?" I ask. Kasi naman, who knew my food was going to be that black 'no? Haha! Anyway, okay lang because my tummy was hurting so bad I wasn't eating much; I had bad hyperacidity after our Santush dinner the night before.

So going back to the story of last weekend... We finally saw Wall-E last Friday night and as usual, it started me on a oh-my-God-I-want-our-kids (Sophia and Raphael)-to-be-so-and-so. As in. I told L that I want our house to be very eco-friendly that my goal is zero waste at home. Exciting, di ba? Di ko lang alam how we'll manage but we'll figure something out. Haha. Ang sad lang kasi talaga. Right after the movie, the people sitting around us got up, walked out of the theater... and left their garbage on their seats. Di man lang itinapon!!! Parang ang hirap pulutin nung kalat nila at itapon themselves. Sad.

On the way home, Lia bought me a melon and strawberry Big Stick, my ultimate favorite for the month. :) Perfect way to end the night.

Saturday
Got up early to go to Rosario for Slo-pitch Saturday with the Softbelles. We were at Rosario by 7:35 and the game started at 9 a.m. Super fun because so many people came: 19 people played! :) It was a wet game but I'm very happy Lia got to play this time. :) I got to see my hunny bunny play! Woohoo!!! :) She's so hot on the field, with her red top and red knee high socks. Teehee! :) Super concentrate pa siya sa game, she didn't even see me checking her out. Teehee! :)

I'm really happy she got to play though. I know she super enjoys playing and it's such a treat pa because she's with friends who are just as passionate about softball as she is. :)

We went to her house for lunch and then she left for school and I went to meet my mom and dad naman. I had to bring the car to Melo so I drove to Rockwell to meet her then Daddy picked me up to drop me off naman at the condo to watch the Ateneo-La Salle game. After her class, Lia went to the condo to watch the game with me. Ang saya kasi we had KFC delivered because na-convince kami nung TVC nila nung KFC Surfers. Hahaha! Tapos she was teasing me na I was shouting and cheering so loud that the security people of the building will come rushing to the unit, eh timing, after she said that, may nag-doorbell! Buti na lang si KFC guy lang. Haha.

ATENEO WON! WOOHOO!!!! :) (Although the game wasn't as exciting as I was hoping it to be. Oh well.)

After the game, we went home for The L Word Season 5 marathon. :D Ang saya! Nakakakilig si Bette and Tina! :) I swear. Kami yun. Pramis. :D Si Lia si Tina. :D

Sunday
Went to mass at Gesu then Lia brought me home again for lunch. It was Grandparents' Day pala so Mama and Daddy bought food for everyone for lunch at home. My mom asked who I went to mass with and I said Lia and she looked for her. I told her she went to pick up her mom na because nagpapasundo si Tita Bibit and the I'll go to her house na lang after for mahjong. My mom goes, "Ay sayang. Ang sarap pa naman ng food. Wala siya dito." :D Ang cute ng mom ko. :)

Anyway, for the first time, my mom and dad dropped me off at Lia's house. :) Ang funny diyan, di pa nabubuksan yung gate, iniwan na ako sa labas. :o Parang they thought, "Okay na 'yan. Nandyan na si Lia." Hahahaha. :)

At Lia's we watched the UAAP cheerdance competition--UP won again! Congrats! :) Except I hate the whole androgynous look on the girls. They're pretty naman, why'd they make them all look like boys? :o Di ba pwedeng tribe them pero pretty, long-haired girls? :D Hahaha. Ganda pa their uniform pala, some off-shoulder thingie. :)

Chai and Surot came to play mahjong with us. Game started around 4, I think and we ended at 9 p.m. Hahahaha! :) Nakaka-challenge kalaro si Lia, I swear. :) She's a darned good player ha. :) *proud gf moment*

Got home at 9:30. Super had a fun weekend. :) It's a shame it's Monday again. But on a happier note, it's just 4 days away from another weekend with Cookie Monster! :)

Enchanted by EK

2008-08-25T02:37:00.003+08:00

Our first and only Neoprint. Hahahaha!

Lecheng puwing

2008-08-25T02:27:00.002+08:00

You know what it's like when that little teensy weensy particle of dust gets in you eye? It's more than annoying, right? It's a freaking pest, it irritates your eye, plus it doesn't go away easily!

Well, I've been having puwing for weeks! I have no idea why but it's making me crazy! I was trying to sleep about an hour ago but I couldn't because when I close my eyes, I feel a little speck of something in my eye! I try to drop some water into my eye to help flush it out -- but it didn't work! I had to get up to wash my face and flush it out with running water. Still didn't work! Now I'm sooo freaking sleepy but the puwing still seems to be there! ARGH!!!!!!!

So now I'm surfing the net and reading Cookie Monster's blog -- which I vowed not to read! :(

It's making me crazy, I swear. :(

Please please please God let the puwing go away so I can sleep in peace and dream of my Cookie Monster who's far away now. :( I'm sad na nga because we're not together, I'm tired and stressed pa, tapos I can't sleep pa. :( Boohoohoo...

Come home, asawa ko. I miss you terribly. :(

Blessed

2008-07-22T09:57:00.002+08:00

I had another wonderfun weekend with L. Will post about our latest
discoveries and activities another day though.ü Right now, I'm feeling
blessed and happy and thankful.ü

She truly takes care of me like no other. And despite my crankiness
and brattiness, especially when sick, she never fails to ease whatever
discomfort I am feeling.

At the risk of being labeled a cheesy, mushy lovesick puppy, I can't
help but say that I am still in love with this silly, goofy goose.ü
Ten years and I haven't stopped falling in love with her.ü It's
amazing and it makes me feel so blessed. While most people get tired
or too comfortable when being with someone that long, I am blessed
with such amazement, wonder, and utter excitement at spending the rest
of my life with Lia.ü I go to bed ever thankful for another chance for
us to be together. And I know we both feel the same way.ü

I wish all my loved ones, particularly my dearest and closest girls,
would know this feeling, that they all experience what Lia and I have now.
¤happy sigh¤

I just reread Ms. B's SMS ~~yesterday~~ last Sunday.ü

"Girl, u and coach look lovely in our pics. Ganda mo talga wen ur w coach. Promise. Topic nmin kyo ni edc in d car knina :)"
20:33:50 20-Jul-2008

People know what we've been through and they know how much we love each other. It's so
heartwarming when they tell us that they can see how happy we are
now.ü

I love you, Li.ü Thanks for the weekend and the patience and taking
care of me as I dealt with my migraine.ü ¤SUPER SARAP HUG¤

2008-07-18T14:21:00.002+08:00

Grabe Cei, compared to where I was last year... I'm sooo much happier now. Thanks for being a wonderful gf. :)
14:16:01

My reply:
Aaw, Lia ko... *HUG* I'm happy too! :) GRabe, what we have, it's so amazing, so wonderful, I can't help but be thankful everyday. :) :-*

Lia:
Me too :) We're soo fine :) Pera na lang proproblemahin natin, hahahaha :)
14:19:04

Well, wala man daw kaming pera, mayaman naman kami sa pagmamahal. HAHAHAHA!

Hmmm.

2008-07-09T09:21:00.002+08:00

I don't know if I should worry about you or if I should ignore you. All I know is that you're stubborn and you think you know better. Di ka nakikinig sa ibang tao. Di ka rin nagke-kwento sa ibang tao so how would you know what other people think, what other people see more objectively about the things happening to you?

You never did believe me when I tell you someone's not good enough for you. You'd rather make your mistakes and get hurt in the process. Sige, matigas ulo mo eh, nagmamarunong ka.

My vibes about that person hasn't changed. Don't waste your time. Sometimes, we find ourselves with someone and think that they're so awesome, that they're so good for us. Pero wrong fit. 'Wag ka magpilit. Hindi maganda yung timpla niya.

Sad. Hanggang ngayon, parang di ka pa rin natuto. Tsk. Matigas pa rin ulo mo. Sana matauhan ka na. Bulag na bulag ka sa kanya. :(

Thankful

2008-06-12T00:00:00.001+08:00

Despite my sick day today, I'm feelin' the love right now. So I just
want to let this out and say one big thanks to the universe...

Thank you for making me better.
Thank you for giving me another chance.
Thank you for helping Lia and I find each other again.
Thank you for helping people change and opening their minds and hearts.
Thank you for dear friends and family who love you first, put your
happiness second, and wish you the best always.
Thank you for the bestest friends who don't get tampo despite how busy
each one gets.
Thank you for sweet, thoughtful, patient, funny, smart, sexy,
passionate, sensible, responsible, spoiler, best coach, chef, photog,
dancer and actress and
everything-else-I-know-and-didn't-know-I-wanted-and-needed-in-a-partner
Lia.ü You're my angel, my sunshine, my lucky charm, my best friend.ü

Sick. Sick. Sick.

2008-06-10T16:54:00.002+08:00

I'm not feeling well. It's either I'm coming down with something or I'm just not well-rested from yesterday's spring cleaning. Add to that I just got my period. Ugh.

I'm beginning to think that maybe Lia and I really should move somewhere. It's been a tough couple of weeks and it sure doesn't help that I'm feeling sick. I've been feeling low and I'm stressed. Dammit.

Right now, all I want is to crawl into bed and have Lia bring me soup and OJ. I want her to sit by my side and watch me fall asleep and hug me as I sleep and rest. I'm on baby mode; I just want to be taken care of.

My eyes are starting to burn and I think my breath is a little warmer than usual. *sigh* I've still two articles to finish.

Hopefully I feel better by tonight. Perhaps I just need to rest. I want to finish all my writing tomorrow. I hate being late for deadlines.

I wish someone can help me sort things out. As happy, patient, and helpful Lia is, I think I'm being a burden and a drag. I don't like it when I'm not fun anymore. And I don't like it I'm too weak to revel about Lia going back to school. *sigh*

But I'll try. Haha. *weak laugh*

I guess Li's in class na, waiting for her teacher. She's such a stickler for time, I'm so envious of how she manages it. I'm so poor at making tantya (estimates). I can't wait to hear her stories tonight. :) I hope I'm up.

Gawd. I wish I can take meds. *sigh* Headache, backache, dysmennorhea, and joint pains are no joke. I should do something about this. I wish Mama can pick me up from work na. :(

And I miss my baby sister. :(

2008-05-26T01:06:00.000+08:00

I was watching the American Idol finale earlier. I couldn't help but cry when Ryan Seacrest announced David Cook as the winner. As I watched this bartender dealing with his emotions, realizing that his dreams are finally coming true, I cannot help but envy him. I envy him for knowing exactly what he wants, working hard at getting close to it, and finally, realizing it. He's so lucky he knows what he wants and I so envy him for that. It's not easy. Not everyone know what it is they want. It's such a load off one's back to finally figure out what will make one happy.

I wonder, what is it I really want? What will really, truly make me happy, fulfill me?

Feeling slightly lost again. Ohgod. Not again.

2008-05-23T03:06:00.001+08:00

I'm so not in a good place right now. I'm on the verge of quitting and I'm starting to have doubts. Is this what I really wanted? Maybe I'm not cut out for this. Maybe I've been aiming for the wrong things. Maybe I'm meant for something else. I feel like I've been pretending all these months. Heck, all these years. What if I'm not where I should be? What if I'm wrong in thinking I could belong here.

What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here. I don't belong here.

2008-04-26T12:02:00.001+08:00

You know what's sad? It's sad when the people you depend on, the people you expect to support you and care for you are the same people who don't respect you, don't accept you, don't care about you. You give so much to them, even placing them on pedestals, but they barely speak to you with respect. It's sad when you've stopped expecting and hoping they love you back, yet you don't stop caring about them. It's sad when your existence in their lives is but an inescapable reality, an inconvenience. It's sad when your lives are intertwined by blood and they can't even accept you, tolerate you, much less treat you with respect. It's sad when you become a stranger in your own family. But it's a tragedy when these people use your choices in life as reason to punish you and condemn you.

Quotables

2008-04-01T17:19:00.002+08:00

"I saw R at Natio Powerplant. He has hair! It looks weird. Hehehehe."
19:33:34
27-March-2008

"Nope. He wasn't as unattractive. :P hahaha!"

2008-03-31T21:43:00.002+08:00

I look at her sleeping beside me, tired, peaceful, and unselfconscious, I am overcome with such love and tenderness. This wonderful girl never ceases to amaze me, never ceases to melt my heart. I fall in love with her more everyday.ü

I'm happy. She makes me happy.ü

Pushing Boundaries

2008-03-06T19:43:00.000+08:00

A lot of people may not have known this but I went to see a shrink two years ago. I was extremely depressed and scared. I didn’t know what to do, where to go, how to live. But I prayed. And prayed. And tried to hope.

My closest friends were very supportive and encouraging; they stayed with me through the bad days, held my hand and hugged me tight through the harder days, and made sure I got through the worst days and nights ever.

But contrary to what people may think, I was not depressed because Lia and I broke up then. From my therapy sessions with my shrink we discovered that I was not depressed because of that but because I was not out. Turns out I’ve been depressed for years – for as long as I’ve known that I like girls.

So I came out. Finally. Truthfully.

To cut the very long, dreary story short, I got better. I felt lighter, happier, more peaceful. It seemed as if all the bleakness and hopelessness were lifted off me. I had a clearer purpose in life. I knew what I wanted, what to do, where to start. I had direction. I vowed to lead an honest and truthful life. No more lying, no more hiding, no more feeling guilty for being a lesbian.

Coming out of the closet was definitely the best thing that ever happened to me.

But don’t get me wrong. I’ve been out to almost everyone I know. I’m out with people I work with, I’m out to all my friends, my cousins, and my closest titas. I’m out to everyone whom I knew love me and cared for me and sincerely wanted me to be happy. I’m out to everyone and they’re comfortable around me. Everyone’s pretty much excited when they find out I’m gay. Most are bloody curious. Others are fascinated. Some are puzzled. But for the most part, they’ve all been accepting and their treatment of me hasn’t changed. I’m still the Ceia they’ve gotten to know; no big threatening, scary change there.

I’m out to everyone but… them. The Immediate Family. Except for Melo, they’ve all pretty much ignored that tidbit, that little fact that whispers is-she-or-isn’t-she-gay.

But when I turned 27 last 2006, things changed. As I started to get better from my depression, I began to be more open about my relationship/s. I introduced an ex-girlfriend to them. I went out with her and told them I was with her. She brought me home and they knew.

When I decided to end that relationship, I subtly told him it was over. I told them I was seeing Lia again. I came clean. I was truthful. I was honest. I wanted to do it right this time. And I wanted to live my life on my own terms – in all honesty.

But now it feels like I’m being pushed into the closet again. That I’m not really accepted but merely tolerated. That my relationship/s are not important. That my choices are insignificant because they are not accepted. Once again, I – we, Lia and I – do not exist.

And it pains me. Will it never end? Will I never have that chance to see my loved ones accepting the one I love? Is this my destiny? It doesn’t seem fair.

Yey! :)

2008-03-03T19:55:00.003+08:00

I thought everything will feel the same even if we're officially together because I've been so happy since we've started talking..But I actually feel happier knowing we're back together :).. I love you, Cei..Always take care of yourself please
07:55:22
02-March-2008

SMS from Bora

2008-02-22T18:50:00.001+08:00

"I'm so happy that you learned to appreciate the beach as much as I do :) This quiet time I'm experiencing is great but having a conversation with you now would be more amazing :)" - Lia
18:38:40
22-Feb-2008

Looking for last minute shopping deals? Find them fast with Yahoo! Search.

My honey's in Bora

2008-02-22T18:29:00.001+08:00

"I'm now by the shore, sitting on my sarong on the sand, watching the waves with my San Mig Light." - Li
18:21:12
22-Feb-2008

She's barely a day there and I already miss her terribly. *sigh*

But I know she's having a blast so I'm okay. :) She loves the beach and the beach loves her. I know I have nothing to worry about.

Can't wait for us to go there together. :) Next year, perhaps? :)

Be a better friend, newshound, and know-it-all with Yahoo! Mobile. Try it now.

Can't go back

2008-02-05T01:33:00.001+08:00

It took me months to get back on my feet. To have that motivation,
that confidence to face the world again.

I can't go back. I don't want to go back to the dark ages. I refuse. I
absolutely refuse.

...

2008-01-17T21:36:00.000+08:00

Maybe I'm just being impulsive.

I wish I'm just being impulsive.

Panawagan sa nawawala

2008-01-11T20:16:00.000+08:00

Oo, napapaisip ako lately. Parang gusto kong lumayo sa malayong-malayo. Gusto ko mag-isip. Parang pakiramdam ko, nawala bigla ako sa tinatahak kong daan. Parang bigla akong naligaw. Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako papunta, kung saan ako patungo. Pero alam ko kung saan ako nanggagaling -- at ayaw ko nang bumalik doon.

Tumingin ako sa salamin kanina -- hindi ko nakilala ang sarili ko. Tinanong ko ang sarili ko, "Sino ka?" Hindi ako nakasagot. Kailangang mag-isip. Kailangang magmunimuni.

Nasaan na ba ako? Sino ba ako? Saan ba ako patungo?

Tila nawawala yata ako.

Ayokong magwala.

2008-01-09T23:14:00.001+08:00

Sometimes things happen in our life wherein we have to drastically make changes and adjustments in our behaviour, thinking, and beliefs. We accept the changes wholeheartedly, slowly, or begrudgingly. We either take what life deals us or we stay stubborn, stand our ground and suffer. But most of the time, we simply do what we can to survive.
That's what I did. I suffered but eventually I took what life dealt me. I guess I was lucky that what life dealt me was a really good thing. That despite what I initially went through, I was still blessed.
And blessed that I am, I want to be truly happy.
Sometimes things happen in our life wherein we have to make big decisions that will drastically change the entire course of the rest of our lives.

That's All.

2007-11-19T02:49:00.000+08:00

My mom sang this for my dad on his 60th birthday.

I absolutely love this song. It always makes me cry.

My girlfriend has a really good tongue. wink

2007-11-09T21:25:00.000+08:00

See! My Friendster page is en Español...

en Français...

und auf Deutsch! :)

It's silly I know...

2007-11-06T21:25:00.000+08:00

but I asked her anyway:

"You do love me, right?"

Her reply:

"I do love you? Yes. Certainly." :)

Shet. Ano ba pinakain ko dito?

Dude, utang na loob, walang sasagot ng bastos.

Talking to Myself Once Again

2007-10-30T20:56:00.000+08:00

Bakit ba ang tigas ng ulo ko? Hindi pa ba ako sigurado na matigas ang ulo ko at kinakailangang kumuha pa ako ng bato na ipupukpok sa ulo ko?

Lekat na 'to. Ang tanga ko talaga.

Hay.

Now suffer the consequences, Ceia.

2007-10-30T13:35:00.000+08:00

Around the same time last year, I was floating as well. It was that ugly feeling of being shattered within because the person you want doesn't want you -- anymore.

Fast forward to today, when I think about it, it's all good. It's like when people say that one has to experience loving at least once in his or her life. In the same way that we all have to experience what it's like to be where we were a year ago.

So that the next time we love, we know our way around.

I still don't know my way around. I'm still feeling my way around but I think I'm learning. Thankfully, there's someone guiding my way around. We both may not be certain if we're doing the right thing, but so far, I think we're okay.

On my way to work this morning, I felt a tinge of certainty as to where my life is going. I always try to hold on to that, making sure I live every minute, aware and conscious of every moment. For a while there, I was confident that I was, am, moving towards the right direction.

I was letting go of the past and I am facing forward. No looking back.

But I turned. Remember how that lady in the Bible looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt? Well, I peeked over my shoulder a bit today. It made me dizzy a bit and I lost my footing. I'm still trying to regain my balance.

But I'll be fine.

It was exactly nine years last October 28 when it was made official. I'm sure no one remembers it -- especially not her. I should've seen it coming even then. But like what Happy said, I had stardust in my eyes.

Isa lang masasabi ko...

2007-10-30T12:26:00.000+08:00

Been there, done that/those.

Sabi nga ni Cherrie Gil sa movie niya, "You're nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copycat."

And oh, you are so not Sharon.

Sorry, bitch mode.

Kahit hindi umuulan

2007-10-25T16:10:00.000+08:00

UMBRELLA
Mandy Moore

You had my heart
And we'll never be worlds apart
Maybe in magazines
But you'll still be my star
Baby cause in the dark
You can see shiny cars
That's when you need me there
With you I'll always share
Because...

When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella eh eh)

These fancy things,
Will never come in between
You're my entity
Here for infinity
When the war has took it's part
When the world has dealt it's cards
If the hand is hard
Together we'll mend your heart
Because...

When the sun shines
We'll shine together
Told you I'll be here forever
Said I'll always be your friend
Took an oath
I'mma stick it out 'till the end
Now that it's raining more than ever
Told you we we still have each other
You can stand under my Umbrella
You can stand under my Umbrella
(Ella ella eh eh)
Under my umbrella
(Ella eh eh)

Hay. brat mode

2007-10-25T15:04:00.000+08:00

I want a MacBook. I want a 120 GB MacBook.

Now na.

From Jasmine

2007-10-23T10:55:00.001+08:00

Got this from Jasmine's blog. It's so true. Sometimes it takes us so long to realize that the person we should love first is ourselves. It took me a long and painful ride to get to where I am now. No, I don't have regrets, really. Things could've been different but I did the best I could. But I wasn't supposed to be alone then; I had someone.

Anyway, it's just very timely that Jas would post something like this. I was just thinking last night that I am in the best place I have been in years. I'm in a job I love, doing what I love best. I'm happy with my family and I'm doing the best I can with what I have been given. I'm not totally at peace yet. But I'm getting there. I still cry sometimes, I still get lonely, but I know things will get better. And if they don't, I'm aware that even if things go bad, they will eventually get better.

See, I don't really have the weight of the world on my shoulders. I'm not an all negative person.

Life had been tough, but it has been good. It's wonderful. And I'm lucky I have people to share it with. Wonderful, amazing people who are honest and decent and sincere. La vita e bella. :)

Meredith on an amputated single pregnant woman right before her surgery:
"i think its very brave what you're doing. i think its better to be alone and feel like a success than be in a relationship and feel like a failure all the time. so lets [work on putting back your arm] and just deal with the rest later."

Which is what I did.

Derrek talking to Mrs. Burke about Preston's departure and Cristina's kind of love--
Momma: Do you think she really did love him?
Derrek: I think she loved him the best way she knew how.
Momma: and that wouldn't have been enough for you either?
Derrek: no. that wouldn't have been enough for me. no.
Momma: so you would have ended it too?
Derrek: well, [Preston and I are built differently]. He was stronger than i am. he is stronger and we're just not built the same.
Momma: Honorable men are all built the same.
Derrek: Oh. So you think I am honorable?
Momma: Do you know when to walk away? Do you know when not to take less than what you deserve? If you do then you are an honorable man.

Ahh, so I guess that's what happened with her. I loved her best as I can but I can only give her so much.

Meredith's narration on Episode 2, Season 4
"The thing about addiction is it never ends well. Because eventually whatever it is that gets us high, doesn't feel good anymore. or starts to hurt. They say [you don't know you're addicted and when to stop] until you hit rock bottom. but how do you know you're already there? because no matter how badly an addiction is hurting us, sometimes letting it go feels worse."

Hmmm....

Izzie on a man who resents being friends with drug dealers--
"You know it doesn't mean that if people do horrible things they're horrible people."

It doesn't. She wasn't. In my heart of hearts, I know she isn't.

Monday pa naman...

2007-10-22T11:25:00.001+08:00

Hay. Pagod na ako ng kaka-explain. Yun lang.

Hmm.

2007-10-22T02:32:00.000+08:00

Jesse: Oh, God, why didn't we exchange phone numbers and stuff? Why didn't we do that?
Celine: Because we were young and stupid.

Jesse: Do you think we still are?

Celine: I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times.

Jesse: And you can screw it up, you know, misconnect.

Hala. Yun na!

2007-10-21T20:13:00.001+08:00

The Problem with Break-ups

2007-10-21T20:00:00.000+08:00

...is that you don't just break up with one person; you leave behind friends, cousins, lolas, parents, titas and titos. Even inaanaks, nephews and nieces.

You don't just lose a lover; you lose your best friend and confidante.

You leave behind an entire life, one that you've grown not just attached to, but have loved and treasured. You lose birthdays, dinners, kwentuhans, teasings, coming home trips, despedidas, and what not. You lose people who care about you -- both of you -- and wish you the same kind of happiness that they share with their partners. You lose precious and intimate family moments that you have been warmly welcomed into.

You are left with nothing but memories. And a bunch of pseudo strangers in your Friendster or Multiply accounts whose lives you are only a voyeur to.

Despite your desire to still be a part of their lives, you are but a stranger to them, a face or a name that once belonged, was once familiar but now isn't. You become a part of the past; not even someone's past, just the past.

Perhaps you've lost the love of your life, perhaps not. But for sure, you've lost a family--cousins, titas, lolas and parents.

Thank You's (Because it's National Thank You Day)

2007-10-21T00:46:00.000+08:00

Because once is never enough for the people who've made a difference in our lives.
[I am forgetful and fickle. Hence, this list will continuously evolve and grow.]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

To my Mama and Daddy:
Thank you for being good providers. For the guidance. The advice. The constant companionship. The values you imparted. For being good examples. For the acceptance. For understanding. For the patience. The material comforts and emotional security and stability. For loving each other. For our faith. Our spirituality. For loving unconditionally.

To my Ate Ronna:
For showing me how it is to be more ladylike. (Haha!) For trusting me with your boys (whom I love to death). For my gym membership (which I will pay you back, I promise). For making sure we are always fed well when we visit. For the Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, and Sweet Dreams books.

To my Kuya Ceevee:
For marrying the coolest and sweetest sister-in-law one can ever have! For picking me up from gimmicks. For enrolling me in law school seven years ago (so sorry I forgot yata to say thank you for that). For making us a part of your wedding entourage. For those nights you let me stay late in your room playing in the computer, watching "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" or working on projects. For that one night years ago when you reprimanded me for not using an umbrella and making mama and daddy worry when we get sick.

To Ate Bubut:
For being the best sister-in-law a girl can have! For the travel tips. And the kwentuhan. And for always making my Kuya happy (so he's not masungit). For the food and wine tips. For the MP3s and computer know-how. For being a really cool travel guide. For "That Other Thing" message. And more. :)

To our Wowa:
For comforting me when I have my cramps. For making me calamansi juice when I'm sick. For the many, many, many meals you've cooked for us. For your gift of cooking that I hope to develop. For your nougada, leche flan, lengua, kare-kare and bagoong recipes. For your kwentos about Wowo and your love story. For making us laugh. For your words of wisdom (such as no beer at 8:30 in the morning!) For helping me with my home economics projects. For teaching me how to crochet and sew. For teaching us all how to play mahjong! For always being present in our lives. For taking care of me since I was little -- from making sure I had baon to fixing my hair for school. For the pancit and/or leche flan every birthday. For the little gifts every birthday. For simply being there when I need someone to talk to. For letting me cry when I need to cry.

To Tita Issa and Tita Ann:
For being my second moms. For accepting me and guiding me. For always reminding me that I am loved. For your advice. And the occassional pangaral. For asking me what I've been up to, what I want to do, how I've been. For being interested in what I do. For asking me about work. And remembering my friends (whom you haven't really met at all but ask about anyway). For the "I love you's." And the hugs. For my cousins. For offering to take me in when I was scared to be homeless. For teaching me and showing me how relationships should be. And never being afraid to tell me if I am making a mistake with my heart. For the emails and SMSes. For being nice to Lia then. And for warmly welcoming Bem now. For always giving me strength, lifting me up, and believing in me.

To Tita Ethel:
For being a tita and a friend. For the chats and the kwentuhan. For "Rome & Juliet." For letting me tag along with you when you shopped for your birthday dress. For taking my fashion advice. :) For being open. And accepting. For listening. For the advice and insights. For the chismisan.

To Tinggot:
For being a really, really good friend. For the lunches. And dinners. To Fuzion and Cantinetta fixes. For shopping tips and finds. For the late night texts and phone calls. For letting me cry and vent and rave. For the movies! The cute Espanol boys. For forgiving me for ditching you in Spanish 2 orals. For the YMs and GTalks at work. For keeping me sane. For reminding me what I'm worth. For fighting for me. For looking out for me. For reminding me to take care of my heart. For being kilig for me. (Haha!) For napping with me in the lib. For the Aegis write-up. For keeping up with four years of "Oh my God! I'm going to flunk this sem! My QPI's not going to make it!" For the reality check whenever it's needed.

To Therese (and Brian):
For being a super dooper good friend. For being trustworthy. For the laughter. And the ranting. And the teasing. For mocking me! Haha! For the adventures. And the misadventures! For dinners. And Starbucks coffees. The long and neverending talks. The phone calls. The late night frantic phone calls. The L Word marathon. The double dates. For being my favorite couple. For you mom, Tita Meredith. For being the perfect workmate. For the reminders that I am a wonderful person when I forget. For Longrain dinners. For making my stay in UBE MEDIA a super fun time. For keeping me sane during crazy production days. For simply keeping me sane, period. For being the best production person -- ever! For the silliness, the fruit shakes and (long and not-so-long) drives. For being my Punta Fuego travel companion. For being my other younger sister and friend.

To Guinevere:
For ice pick moments. For crazy, the-hell-with-the-world moments. For the hours-long phone calls. For making me Ninang to Gabby. For trusting me. For keeping me sane. For Abbott. For dinners and chismisan and serious life talk. For believing in me always. For being my cheerleader and no. 1 fan. For always being with me and going for what makes me happy. For being the no. 1 fan of my love team/s. (Haha!) For 2 am goodnights that extend to 3 am. For high school reminiscing. For the future. For making me part of your wedding entourage. And for giving me your garter at your wedding! (Hala, itaas pa talaga ang garter ha!) For always picking me up and bringing me home. For being my date several times at exclusive parties. For telling me that I have sexy shoulders. (Hahaha!) For always caring about me. And making sure I see and remember my worth. For thinking of me and worrying about me. For always giving me reason to go on.

To Lou:
For cold beers. And writing. For words that express, describe, define, impart, share and connect. For writing classes that are made more fun by a group of crazy people giggling in the back row. For always reminding me what joy writing is. And for encouraging me to pursue writing professionally again. For reading me so well, haha. For hi's and hello's before and in between work. For the support and belief in what I can do and achieve. For music. For unexpected replies to blog posts. For crushes and hits and misses. For always speaking your mind, yet being polite still (hehe). For coming out of work when I'm in the area for a chat. For lunches with the best lunchmates one can ever have. For cheese pizzas and amusing (and apparently, very human) writing teachers.

To Ms. Mel:
For confiding in me. For making me believe in love pa din. For work. For making me laugh. For the companionship. For that one night a few weeks ago. For being patient. For your honesty.
For coffee (ours) and smokes (yours). For reminding me to keep my cool. For pointing out to me what I may be doing wrong (haha!). For reminding me to be kind and be less sungit.

To Ms. Becky:
For the work lessons. For trusting me with work despite the personal shit. For sharing with me her students. For the work and relationship advice and uhm, personal, tips. *wink* For making my UBE MEDIA stay fun and always light. For the outbursts in song. For the "keeping fresh" tips (Haha!) For being a sweet mom. For the Teriyaki Boy dinner a few weeks ago! :)

To Donna May:
For the inspiration. For being infectious in your drive and passion for new ideas. For showing me how to think outside the box. For always exposing us to new things and perspectives. For trusting me to work for you. For the idea box and idea notebook. For loving purple as much as I do. For the lovely office in Salcedo. For the MSO. For Rockestra. And most expecially UBE MEDIA -- including Ms. Becky, Therese, Sheila, John and Kathy. For always being generous in lending your equipment. And for understanding when personal sh*t happens. For asking me how I was when everyone else was tiptoeing around me. For the numerous books in UBE that inspire and inform. For Softbelles. For letting me explore what I can do. For the making sure we were all well-fed in UBE and had our dose of sugar high and tea antioxidants. For the tidbits of info and trivia that I now seek from everywhere and anywhere.

To Leigh:
For the sunny smiles. For the shopping tips. The foodie reviews. The blog reads. The Ma'am Sol memories. For not being shocked at my coming out. :)

To Sassy:
For long distance calls. For chismisan. For high school reminiscing. For the crush updates. For the kissing and telling. (Hahaha!) For the showbiz chika. For comforting me on high school crushes and heartbreaks. For keeping me sane in high school and helping me overcome high school angst. For weekly Dulaang Sibol trips. For daring me to pick up Andoni Albert's cigarette butt. And daring me some more to look him in the eye. For encouraging me to say "Hi" to Cis Alvarez and Paolo Abella. For midnight phone calls that lasts hours. For giggling and squealing and gushing with me.

To Lyle:
For being the best (male) dance partner ever. For dipping me and making sure I never fall. For the hugs that I still so so so miss. For the "Tara, Ceia, let's dance under the stars" moments. For helping me with Trigo (na tinutulugan mo lang). For making me feel like a kid opening a Christmas present when I saw you at that exhibit opening in Megamall (the only time Lia ever said I sounded like a true-blue Atenean when I squealed). For that little note in high school which said, "Hey Ceia, don't be sad." For being my prom date, the best ever! For lending me that Tori Amos CD in high school and telling me to "listen to her with the lights off." For being one of the few guys I will most certainly date if I decide to go straight. For being the sweetest guy friend I have. No one will take your place.

To Ronan:
For the shared raspberry frap. For bringing me home after the Anthem event. For being a dear, dear friend. For always making fun of the fact that I am gay. For appreciating that I am one. For trusting my taste in women and asking me to girl watch with you. For that one time that you brought me along when you got your collection stuff in Greenhills. For lending me your Gen13 comics. For sitting beside me at the lib when I was alone. For dinners and kwentuhan with or without Ivere. For writing that amazing script in high school and trusting me to direct it. For playing "Staying Alive" while we were preparing for the play (it made everything seem much lighter and more fun). For helping me with Chem and Physics. For hugs and pats on the back (you have no idea how much I love your pats on the back and akbay). For being the pseudo-perv and DOM that you say you are (but are not).

To my favorite boys, Enrique and Martin:
For hugs and kisses. For making me laugh. For amusing stories and anecdotes. For the jokes. And the pranks. For more hugs and kisses. For "Buon giorno's" every single day. For the sound of your laughter, the crinkling of your noses and the squinting eyes when you're happy. For the naps. And meals. For the games, the drawings and conversations. For being my reasons for staying and living.

To Bem:
For replying to my text that first time. For being "open." For seeing who and what I am. For not being scared when I introduced you to my family. For being "easy" (Hahaha!). For always challenging and not being beat when I'm being crazy stupid. For being competitive. For leveling with me. For the last two months and more. For daring and taking a huge risk. For not being intimidated. For the hugs. For being proud of me. For reminding me to take my medicine or to sleep early. For always trying to understand. For allowing me to be myself. For not being scared to tell me what you think and feel. For not being scared of me, period. For being so damned hot without even trying, it's crazy.

To Mako:
For lending me your CD writer when I so needed it for my new media project. For that awful, awful movie, "Dawn of the Dead." For driving me to Malate that one time that led me to get to know you better. And the next weeks after that led me to be better friends with you. For six weeks. For sanity checks. For insisting I get help when I needed it. For offering to call for me when no one else would. For checking up on me when you can. For the long distance call one night in April. For strawberries, hot chocolate, and U-turn slots. For Yellow Cab Pizza and Stephen Speaks. For Japanese dinners and parking lots. For the Church of the Gesu moment. For playing the piano for me (well, sort of, haha). For planning my life months ahead to make sure I wouldn't kill myself. For seeing me as thoughtful when others don't. For seeing me through rejection and heartbreak with Tricia and Lia. For reminding me to love myself first and always. For being happy when I am happy. Comforting me when I am not well. For telling me like it is. And still caring enough for me. For those letters that I still keep and re-read. "Who knew?"

To you:
For nine years. Of bliss. And exploration. And discovery. Of adventures. And trials. Long drives. And traffic rides. For inspiring. And learning. Of trusting. And mistrusting. Of certainty. And doubts. Tears and laughter. Pain. Sorrow. Growing up. Giving up. And trying again. For loving and sharing my passion for food, books, photos, art, and so many other things. For rainy days. With Brothers Burger fries in the car. For my surprise birthday party. And making sure I have a birthday cake every year. Numerous songs. And movies. Hundreds of restaurants. Events. Places. Things. And people. Photos, images and words. For three days in Subic. And our Amazing Race video. For your family and Lola Remy. For long hours editing. For naps. For getting me my first writing gig. And framing my first article. My favorite leather jacket. And fuschia Havaianas. And the DKNY watch that I never took off. For surprises. For Saturdays on the field. For media rounds in Manila. For always bringing home my friends. The sunrise while holding hands. All-nighter conversations from silly things to politics and religion and faith. To crying at the impeachment proceedings and rallying at EDSA 2. To car crashes. And death of a friend. For planning. And promising. And for showing me what is real and isn't real. For helping me find what I want to do with my life. Most importantly, for showing me what passion is. For memories.

I Don't Remember You Anymore

2007-10-17T02:18:00.000+08:00

From Eunice. Salamat sa pagpahintulot sa akin na i-post ito dito.

I Don't Remember You Anymore

I can't remember you anymore,
I'm not left with your memories,
of your smile, of your laugh
nor of the way you walk when
you're walking with me. I don't
even know if you were with me. We
were never together. I go to seek
for our place but there was none. I look
at your gifts yet there was nothing. I have
pictures in pixels but somehow the folders
are all empty, or they seem to be empty.

I don't remember you anymore,
the absence of these tangibles don't
speak of ease, nor of simple non-
existence. It never is easier, an affirmation
of what used to be there. Slowly found its way
to melt into nothingness. But you're not nothing.
At some point you were everything and then you
were something. I see colors, i hear songs then I feel
you. I must be numb or dumb. But I know
and I feel and it was real.

I won't remember you anymore.
Did you smile? Did you laugh?
Was that "our" walk?
Where did "we" go?
Were "we" in the picture?
Do you remember?
Was there nothing to remember?
Was there something?
Do you find pleasure
in knowing...

I should not remember you anymore?
I used to, then I had to forget, or pretend
to forget. I did. Forget? No.
Remember? Maybe. What was left to remember
were the questions left unanswered, the emotions
left hanging from the window of uncertainties.

Still, I remember.
I choose not to.
I vow not to.

Hindi dahil sinabi mong hindi mo na binabasa ito eh maniniwala na ako sa iyo. Kilala kita. Alam ko kahit papaano kung paano ka mag-isip. Hindi ganoon kadali magbago.

2007-10-16T23:43:00.000+08:00

Post from the past...

The Dark Ages
October 11, 2006
It's 3:30 am do you know where your children are? Rather, do you know where YOU are?

It was 3:30 am of Monday when it hit me. I'm lost. I'm floating on a leaf going downstream and I don't know if it's a leading to a high waterfall drop. I can't move, I can't think. No sound comes out of my mouth. I'm paralyzed.

That's when it hit me. I'm stuck and the person I wanted, depended, so much on to help me is — was, nowhere to be found. Physically she was there. Emotionally, she was far away.

I don't recognize myself anymore. All I see is an unhappy, bitter, angry and hurting 26-year-old giving up on herself, on life.

Where was the happy, talkative, friendly, nurturing, s/mothering girl whom people depended on for relationship or career advice, jokes (or someone to laugh at their jokes), fashion and beauty advice, companionship and responsibilities? Where was the girlfriend material that people couldn't believe is gay?

I ended up catatonic the next day. And as expected, I scared her away and she left me again. All the negativity and the catatonia scared her shitless.

The end result: I had to come out to my mom yet again and she's not speaking to me until now.

—

I had dinner with my work friends, the ever lovely Ms. Becky, the down-to-earth Peds, the lovey-dovey, there's-no-such-thing-as-soulmates-except for Therese and Brian. Dinner at newly-renovated Ebun, with beef spareribs, steamed vegetables with buro and bagoong, plus sizzling tofu. All very yummy, as expected.

Coffee at Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and that's when the outpouring of emotions happened. We raved, ranted, rooted and roasted people. I love being with this bunch of wonderful people; I don't appear crazy when I'm with them. I'm not neurotic, emotionally messed up and lost. I make sense to them.

Seeing Therese and Brian and listening to Ms. Becky talk about her married life reaffirms what I know about relationships. I am not ALL wrong, after all. I am human, I am flawed. But I am capable of being loved.

That relationships, to work, need to be wanted by all parties involved. That expectations have to be left at the door before entering into a commitment, that commitments are to be respected and honored, that mistakes are to be expected and forgiven and called whenever necessary, to be constantly reminded and urged to change. That love and partnership is the best kind of friendship one can offer because intrinsic to it is trust — trust that the other person loves you, trust that the other person will not leave you, trust that the other person will not do anything to deliberately hurt you. That differences are always there, that your partner will piss you off sometimes, that you will argue, that you will seem disrespected but it will always have a reason behind it and that you trust your partner when they say they didn't mean it, whether they say they are sorry out loud or by their actions.

I learned a few things from them, too. That when I don't say what I feel and instead act it out, it appears worse than it actually is. That it would be better to say what's wrong and to let your partner know it than to keep it inside and seethe and boil and erupt unnecessarily — and improperly, because it is rude and disrespectful. For those times that I did that, I'm very sorry. I am ashamed of myself and I hope you can learn to forgive me.

So anyway, I left feeling a little bit better. Maybe not about a certain relationship. But that there is hope for me. There is hope for me.

—

I will have my blood tests done tomorrow. Hopefully all is well and I don't end up poor and even more depressed than I already am.

2007-10-12T09:21:00.001+08:00

I'm so stupid sometimes. I don't even know why I bother. I always forget what a freaking know-it-all bitch you are.

I forget that you're no longer the same person I grew up with. I forget that I can no longer confide in you and be open with you because every time I do, you spout your self-righteous, holier-than-thou, I-so-know-better-than-you lines.

It's true and it's sad that things change. I just thought I was one of the lucky ones to be blessed with a strong sisterly bond. Oh well.

sigh

2007-10-11T23:57:00.000+08:00

"I'm sorry. I can't. Don't hate me."

Go figure.

The First Weekend of October

2007-10-08T20:39:00.000+08:00

I was just telling Bem that I'm still quite lightheaded from lack of sleep. I've been puyat the past few days but it's all good. I'm not complaining, mind you. I've been sacrificing precious sleep for Pelicula. :)

Tinggot and I have been marathoning the film fest, watching three movies in a row last Saturday. Skipped Friday night as I had a 7:30 forum to attend and I didn't want to be a zombie for it. Friday night traffic was hell; took more than 45 minutes to get home from Ortigas at 10:30 p.m.

Saturday
Started my day at 6 a.m. and made it to the office just in time to meet Anna and Rach. We were having Figaro coffee at Intercon by 8:15.

Thoroughly enjoyed Queena Lee-Chua's talk on helping kids excel in school. Mental note: will buy her book soon. Forum ended at 12-ish and was back at the condo by 12:30.

Lunch was Reyes' Barbecue with Mama and Daddy. I swear, I love their chicken liver wraps.

We were at Enrique's exhibit in Kapitolyo by 2 p.m. and the gushing Nangnang embarrassed her sweetie by, well, gushing, and smothering him with kisses and hugs. [Enrique said: 'Nangnang, stop it. It's embarrassing."]

God, I should be put in jail for doing that. Hay. :P

Rushed to Greenbelt 3 soon after to catch the 4:30 p.m. screening of Tu vide en 65'. It was so worth it, I cannot even begin to review the movie.

Waited for Bem and we all watched the 7 p.m. screening for Ciudad en celo which, sadly, disappointed us. The film quality was so bad they had to play the movie a second time, only to completely stop the screening and refund tickets thereafter.

Movie buffs that we were, we had our tickets exchanged for the 9 p.m. screening of Azuloscurocasinegro after grabbing a Fuzion. I got myself a Sex on the Peach with extra vodka shot which got me excited for the next weekend. :D

After that film, we just took a short bathroom break and waited for the 12 mn screening of Otros dias vendran. A very nice film, albeit a little weird.

Will post reviews when I have the time.

I was so exhausted when I got home I slept promptly and didn't move a muscle until the next morning.

Sunday
Dropped off Melo at Rockwell and went to mass at Gesu. Had lunch with Mama and Daddy at Mangan and napped at the condo. Still light headed from the night before I slept until 4:30, unfortunately too late to go to Migo's 1st birthday party.

Proceeded to the Fitness First Body Combat Marathon at the NBC Tent to meet up with Ms. Becky and Ms. Mel. It was a lot of fun and the dinner was sooo good I actually ate. :o I swear, parang ako yung naglihi for Ms. Becky with that salmon sushi. Which reminds me, I must Teriyaki Boy soon.

Left the event at 10:30 and wished that watching all those body combatters can burn calories and fat for me as I sit by the sidelines. No go. Too bad.

And oh, not only was my tummy busog, my eyes were busog too! Sobrang daming hot, fit chicks. I almost forgot how I liked them fit. Hala, now I remember. Tsk. [I can imagine Tinggot raising her brows at me. Hahaha!]

Anyway, that was my weekend. Quite uneventful perhaps but it was fun nonetheless. Will be hopping over to Greenbelt again this weekend for the rest of the films. Can't wait! :)

...

2007-10-03T10:35:00.000+08:00

I'm not bored. And I don't want to fuck anyone else.

But I've been there. I know that feeling where you want that person to
be the last person you'll ever be with. Where you want to save
yourself for her and only her, no one else.

I know that.

But I also know what it's like to meet someone and want to find out
how it is to be with someone else. I know what it's like to feel like
you've met someone you connect with and feel curious as to what or how
it will be like with them.

I just don't want you to feel like you're stuck with me.

Or that you have no way out.

Because you do. We all do.

That's the painful truth.

But I don't want you to go out with other people. I don't want you to
fall in love with someone else. I'm not stupid and I'm not a
cold-hearted bitch naman like that.

I love you.

It's not about love, you see. It's just sex.

That's the thing.

So please forgive me if you felt like I was pushing you away. I'm
not. I'm sorry if you think I said that so you can give me
permission, too. I was never stupid that way.

It's just that you're young and I don't want to deprive you of any
other experience you may have or encounter. If there's one thing I
learned the past year it's that I must try everything at least once --
but to make sure to be responsible and careful about it. To make sure
no one gets hurt in the process and that I take responsibility for the
consequences.

So yes, I want the same things for you. I'm not going to be in your
way, that's all I'm saying. I just want you to be totally honest with
me and with yourself, if need be.

Please don't be pissed na. It's not what you think. I do give you
more credit than that.

Last Weekend of September

2007-10-01T15:07:00.001+08:00

It's been a really good month and the month couldn't have ended any better than this. :)

Saturday
Spent most of Saturday morning and afternoon at Medical City. It was a roller coaster ride, flitting from one extreme emotion to the other -- anticipation to anxiety to hope to dread to resignation. To say that I am in the pink of health is an not entirely accurate; but to say that I am not well is an exaggeration.

Anyway, moving on...

After my visit to the doctor's office, I had lunch with Mama and Daddy at Green Tomato. Had anchovy shrimp pasta and raspberry iced tea, and left just enough room for cherry vanilla ice cream. Yet, I was too full and forgot all about my gelato! Hmp.

Met with Bem at Powerbooks and, with my mom, we went to meet Daddy at Haagen Dazs. Mama got Macamadia Nut and said, "O, Bem, ikaw, what do you want?" Imagine my shock! Di tuloy ako nakaisip agad kung anong flavor yung sa akin. Hahahahaha! :)

My mom's so sweet, 'no? :) Sana tuluy-tuloy na ito. :) *crossing fingers*

Anyway, and lukaret kong Bem, passed on Haagen Dazs! Why? Why???

Hahahahaha! [Okay lang, love pa din kita. ]

From Shangri-La, we dropped them off at the condo and we went to Rockwell to hear mass. After the mass, we went to Powerplant to wait for Tinggot and check out the stuff in Archeology. Hala, now I've two new pairs of shoes! Hahaha!

Checked out the last weekend of the Baker's Dozen Fair. Tinggot and I got some cupcakes from Cuptails and Dreams. Hey, those will be my birthday treat in November! I got the Mojito, Margarita and The Original Sin cupcakes.

From there, we hopped over to the Rockwell Tent to check out the Spanish Fair where we got to taste some sparkling wine, pick up some goodies from Instituto Cervantes and plotted our next two weeks based on the schedule of the Spanish Film Festival. (At least I did. Haha.)

Madaya si Bem, she was supposed to be our translator pero pinabayaan kami. Hmp.

Got home around 10 p.m. and slept really, really well. :)

Sunday
Woke up around 10 a.m., left the house at 11 and had lunch with Mama, Daddy and Melo at Mangan. Melo and I picked up Tinggot around 1:30 and proceeded to Fitness First RCBC to try out the yoga class. As expected, magulo yung girl sa reception and the 7-day pass sucks (ang
labo kasi ng policy. Duh.) so bahala na lang si Batman. The good thing about it, I'm hell bent on going back to taking Body Balance classes. Grabe. It's been so long since I've been stretched as much as I stretched this whole weekend. *wink wink* HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Got back to the condo just in time to watch the game. All I can say about it is: We all know which is the better school. We don't need a basketball game to prove a point. Besides, no matter what happens, they've cheated once already. That's marked na in history. Tsk tsk.

Spent the rest of the afternoon watching 'Wag Kang Lilingon on PBO.

I have work to do but I had a pretty lazy afternoon. I must say though that I needed this rest. I've another 18 hour week ahead of me so I'm psyched. :)

Life is good. I'm ever so thankful for my Mama and Daddy for taking care of all my worries this weekend. Super. I super dooper love you both. :)

And I'm super dooper thankful that they were so very nice to Bem. :) I never thought I can ever bring someone along with my mom and dad, much less have them offer her ice cream! I can't explain how that made me feel exactly, but let's just say that I have never felt more peaceful about this whole thing as I did yesterday. Thank you, Lord.

Abbott, this is what I've always wanted. Please tell Him, I said thank you. :)

Thank You. :)

2007-09-23T17:36:00.000+08:00

Lounatik told me about this the other day but only got to check it out today. Grabe. Ang saya. :)

But let me say that that article wouldn't have come out that nice if it were not for Lounatik's amazing superpowers of editing. :)

Thanks for letting me write for you, dear. Super had fun learning all those things and meeting all those photographers. :) *HUGS*

I will post my new friend Bob's photo as soon as I can.

Getting Drunk with Bem

2007-09-23T15:55:00.000+08:00

I had so much fun ~~last night~~ Friday night with Bem and her friends. :)

Went to hang out with them and celebrate Bem's birthday at Tomato Kick. It's this semi-out-of-the-way place in QC that makes a mean kamikaze (or at least that's what I remember they called that green drink).

I don't really get drunk easily but not having had much to eat the whole day yesterday, I got a little bit of a buzz after 4 glasses. Which brings me to a tiny dilemma about going out with Bem. We cannot get drunk together, otherwise, hindi kami makakauwi -- I refuse to drive after having a few drinks and I will not allow her to drive either. Patay na. Pareho kaming 'alcoholic' eh. Hahaha!

Anyway, ang kulit nila. Bitin because I had to go home agad. Yes, I am a responsible adult. Pero bitin talaga eh. Anyhow, it was all good. I just hope I don't look like some crazy drunk woman in the photos. Tsk.

I was a bit low batt na when I got there but what can I say, ang hot ng gf ko! Yung 10:30 p.m. exit ko, naging 12:30 a.m. Hahahaha. [And no, Pat, we were not even 'iced' yet. Hahaha!]

[And my apologies to that girl who needed to use the bathroom. We, uh, needed to use it more. HAHAHAHAHA!!!]

Seriously though (and intoxication aside), I really felt relaxed around them. It was a blast hanging out with them talaga. Now I know why Bem likes to 'make tambay' with them. :)

Sa uulitin. ;)

Random Thoughts

2007-09-23T15:24:00.000+08:00

As I'm nursing a tummyache, I realized how lucky I am that Bem and I can actually talk about what's bothering us. It means a lot to me that I am able to tell her what's on my mind without her going bananas on me at once. She gives me space to absorb and reflect on what I've done (or in this case, wasn't able to do) but at the same time, she doesn't let a sama ng loob or a tampo pass without being said.

I also realized how lucky I am with my friends. I've bugged some of them with crazy schizo messages (di ba, Tinggot, Ivere and Mel?) but still, I know they trust me and love me. I guess they know I'm really magulo lang that way. Hahaha. But one thing's for sure: they're always always supportive.

It's true that the kind of people we keep as friends define who we are. I've stayed away from the people who are toxic and have learned to keep my distance from those I cannot avoid. I'm really lucky that my friends are all decent and sensible. No one tolerates wrongdoing; none of them have ever used one me the line, "Bahala ka, malaki ka na." when I seem to be slipping into stupidity or insensitivity. They all get it that real friends do not let their friends get into trouble or make a mistake.

Looking back on where I was September last year, I'm quite glad with the huge difference I've made in my life. Despite my weird nap dream this afternoon, I must say it's all good. I'm still on track. Twelve-step aside, I haven't gone off the wagon. I'm still quite, quite sober despite the constant temptation/s.

When I do get tempted to go off and be stupid and crazy, I just reread Therese's SMS last year: sometimes, [they] are simply not the same people we first met.

...

I was reading Patring's blog the other day and this caught my eye:

Right now, I feel like a child who's clung on to something she can't have for way too long. A little part of me still wants it, but the rest of my body is just too tired of clinging. It makes it so much easier to let go. Knowing that I'm walking away from this with something so much greater tells me that the wait was not in vain.

I'm walking away. I need to write this down, because I need to remember.

My other law school little sister put it succinctly. Yes, sometimes, there's a little part of us that is stubborn while the rest of us wants to stop, to give up. Thank God, sometimes that little part is overpowered by sensibilities.

But no, it's not true. Letting go is not easier.

----

Thanks to Tinggot, I've learned to embrace alone time. I'm alone here at the condo, watching the rain while listening to the noise coming from the TV. It's another Ateneo game and I've been going on and on with my game mantra for about an hour but my mind isn't really on the game. I'm actually making plans, making lists in my head.

I've always believed.

2007-09-08T01:19:00.000+08:00

So I know my faith will not fail me. Not matter what other people say.

Weekly horoscope from Madalyn Aslan:
It is easy to keep the faith when life is good and far more difficult when life throws you the knuckle ball. Faith is a powerful emotion, which explains the famous saying, “Faith can move mountains”. It has moved mountains in the past and it will move mountains again in the future. You are questioning your own faith now and yet underneath the doubt, you know that love will prevail, healing can happen and much better days are ahead. You may never have all the answers and you won’t need them in order for your optimism to resume.

Ride your intuitive tide then give the rest up to the galaxy. Your faith can be found there.

Why I Seem to be Pakialamera...

2007-09-07T11:07:00.000+08:00

with my friends and loved ones' love lives:

I just don't want them to settle.

So to you (who's settling with someone 'nice') and you (who's settling for someone who seems 'perfect' but isn't) and you both (who've settled down with someone who doesn't seem to adore you for all the wonderful things that you are) and you two (who're still waiting for that guy who will sweep you off your feet), here's what I have to say:

I love you. When I love my friends and my family, I love them to death. Yes, I'm common that way, I love fiercely. But I can -- no, I AM, pakialamera when it comes to you falling in love.

Because I don't want you to make a mistake. Yet, I don't want you to settle for less than what you deserve. Because you will be swept off your feet.

It's like that Meet Joe Black quote:

As delivered by the great Anthony Hopkins:

"Well, it worries me. I want you to get swept away. I want you to……levitate. I want you to sing with rapture and dance like a dervish. I know it's a cornball thing but love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? I say fall head over heels. Find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart.

Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love -- well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

If there's one thing I know for certain, it's this: that you will find someone you can love like a madwoman. And nothing will feel more wonderful, amazing and mind blowing than that.

But yes. Once you do and lose it, it will hurt like hell. It's pure death. Nothing will compare to the pain.

But it is worth it.

How do I know? You know me, you can trust that I know.

Despite all the shit I went through, and inspite of what I've been saying about not wanting it ever again or wishing I never went through it, I know that nothing will ever compare to it. I'm one of the lucky ones for feeling all those things. But I am also one of the luckier ones to have gotten through it, albeit very slowly and painfully.

No, it hasn't ended. It never truly does.

But don't let heartbreak scare you. Don't allow it to make you settle for less.

Because sometimes, there are those who are luckiest, the ones who are given another chance, the ones given another someone to love again just as much as they are loved.

2007-09-05T22:28:00.001+08:00

I'm not having a good night. I'm so not having a good night. I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go back into the Dark Ages. Please don't let me go back there. Please. ;-(

It's Never Too Late to Come Out

2007-09-03T12:36:00.001+08:00

I know I've complained about having a hard time coming out and how it seems to have messed up my life big time, but after reading these articles, I'd have to say that I really am thankful. It might have taken me years (hmm, about 13 years, my estimate) but heck, here I am.

My cousin sent me this inspiring story. Do take time to read it, please.

This lady took so long I can't even begin to imagine what I would've done had I been in her place.

2007-09-01T00:41:00.001+08:00

I have to get used to this...

calm.

I'm so not used to this. It's all too unfamiliar. It doesn't scare me because it's new; it scares me because it might not be me.

Help me. Someone knock some sense into me.

FLUID and Other Ateneo Things

2007-08-31T19:18:00.001+08:00

Watched Floy Quintos' FLUID last night at the Fine Arts Theater in Ateneo and loved it! There was something very real and exact about the dialogue. The metaphors about art and life were almost too real I want to deliver the lines myself. Ha!

I loved the plot, and oh! the set design, I love the set design! I want that for my bedroom! Hahaha! The actors are good too, especially Jasmine (shempre, friend ko siya, love our own, di ba? hahaha!). But seriously, she was really good. It was the first time I actually saw her act on stage (as opposed to acting somewhere else? haha!) and nothing beats seeing a passionate actor with fire in their eyes.

As for the other actors, I loved how the two gay characters were portrayed, down to how baduy they were with the mushiness and all, and the cheekiness of Simone, the wedding coordinator. But the character of the old woman -- good God -- if only I can fast forward through some of her scenes, I would. Not because she was bad, she's not, mind you. In fact, she was very good she actually made me think of her as the devil. But she was a bit too grating for me. Parang, nakakairita. For me, she became too much of a caricature na. Yun.

But overall, I really enjoyed the play. :)

I talk about it much so people can watch and enjoy it for themselves. It's a really nice play and you guys should check it out.

Other Ateneo things...

I have to say, I'm so happy my parents sent me to Ateneo.

The campus is so peaceful at night, ang saya tumambay and yes, mag-reminisce.

Showed Bem where I used to have group meetings (lib steps), made kwento about how it was in the semi-olden days (harhar) when there was no "park" in between Soc Sci and Dela Costa, and when there was still a parking area across Rizal Lib, talked about where the best and the worst classrooms were, etc.

We were parked lang by the Gonzaga parking with some McDo Katips take out pero sobrang enjoy. Hahaha. And oh, we were lucky pa kasi the moon was so nice last night. :D

The last time I was parked there, I was waiting for Melo to come out from her RegCom thing, I was drinking Lemon & Gin yata, and sobbing to "I Can't Make You Love Me" in different versions on the radio. Nyahahaha. Kadiri.

So anyway, I had a really nice Thursday night even if I missed America's Next Top Model Cycle 7. Hahaha.

2007-08-30T03:01:00.001+08:00

So I was watching this movie, Seven, last night on Crime & Suspense. I remember seeing it almost 10 years ago and loving it. I loved the complexity of the plot, the twist and turns of the story, the surprise ending. I remember other memories linked to it. Brad and Gwyneth were just starting out to be a couple then, too. Had I known the movie had a curse attached to it, then I would've run away the first moment I could. I mean, seriously. Gwyneth's head was cut off and placed in box in the end, and Brad committed the final sin. What does that say about any budding relationship?

---

I don't really know if I can relate to Gwyneth or Brad more. All I know is that Brad is hotter, more fab, and more successful than ever, while Gwyneth has lain low. I guess they're both happier wherever they are but I want to be Brad nonetheless.

Incidentally, someone told me one of B's photos reminded her of Angelina Jolie. Hahaha!

Daddy's Girl

2007-08-27T19:36:00.000+08:00

The speech I made for my Daddy's 60th birthday bash yesterday at the Tektite Tower Penthouse.

---

Perhaps you’ve known him longer; I’ve known him for only almost 28 years. He’s been with me all my life and he is, truly, the only man I will ever trust with my life.

I’m not really sure if he’s ever changed lampin, made milk or stayed up all night while we, his children, cried as babies but I know for sure my dad can put a baby to sleep quite easily. I slept on his chest as a baby, and a toddler, and my nephew Enrique was put to sleep by him by singing Lighthouse Family’s Lost in Space.

I’ve been teased incessantly for being a daddy’s girl. I’ve been called a spoiled brat too but I have no – and wouldn’t want – proof of that. But daddy’s girl, yes, I think I am.

Is it because, looking at both of us, we are, as my mom would put it, pinagbiyak na bunga? Perhaps.

I don’t claim to be an expert on my dad. That’s my mom. But I know a few things about my dad that I’m pretty sure not many people may know about. Some things perhaps only a dad and a daddy’s girl share.

I know how strong he is. When I was seven, he carried me in his arms for about a block and a half when I hurt my toe on the bedspring.

Despite how intimidating he may be, I know he can be calming. He helped me prepare for my graduation speech (which my mom helped me to write). I had a terrible fear of microphones and public speaking before, but as I searched for his face in the crowd right before I delivered my speech, saw him beaming at me, I knew for sure I would do okay.

He taught me to value education and learning. And I know I disappointed him and Mama when I didn’t pursue law. Yet, he asked me what I really wanted to do and when I said I want to write, to go back to school to study Communications, he let me take my masters. I am now doing what I have always wanted to do. I know he had a hard time understanding my work schedule; the late nights, the working weekends, and the 48-hour workdays worried and still worry him.

He was the one who held me and comforted me when I had my heart broken the first time – and many times thereafter. And, despite our differences, he gave me his blessing to live my life as I see fit. And there is nothing greater than having him tell me he wants me to be happy.

I think I’ve made him worry the most among my siblings. I’m the one who parties a lot, goes out most weekends, lives the crazier life. I’m the most outspoken one, the headstrong one, and well, sort of, the rebellious one.

But I know my Daddy loves me nonetheless.

Yes, we are like peas in a pod. Yet, we are still very different.

But I know he loves me unconditionally. As I do him.

So I want to take this opportunity to say thank you to him and for the many things he has done, not just for me, but for all four of us.

Thank you, Daddy, for being patient with us. Thank you for working very hard so you can give us a very comfortable life. Thank you for sending us to the best schools – Go Ateneo! Thank you for the scrumptious Sunday, birthday, Christmas and New Year lunches. Thank you for the trips and vacations that we truly, truly enjoyed.

Thank you for tirelessly driving us to school and picking us up every time – through floods, traffic and busy schedules.

Thank you for always, always texting us “Where are you?” because really, you’re not being makulit, we know. You love us and you’re just worried about us that’s why you do.

Thank you for being the best husband to our Mama and for showing us what true love in all its passion and commitment really is.

Thank you for teaching us by example integrity, hard work, and faith.

So Daddy, while it may seem like I – or we – don’t show you how much you mean to us, you are really the most important man in our life. We more than appreciate what you do for us. We know we are lucky – very lucky to have you as our Dad. But most importantly, we are, indeed, blessed.

I love you, Daddy. Happy birthday.

2007-08-23T21:18:00.000+08:00

"I love you for all that you are and you're not. :)"

"You're so gonna be a good mom." :) - B

Thank you, honey. You are the sweetest. :)

I am blessed. :)

2007-08-23T20:08:00.000+08:00

As you can see, my iMood says it all. I am blessed.

I posted it in my Multiply, how, after all that's happened, I am still truly blessed.

I had a good day. Not as productive as I wanted in terms of my preparations for my Daddy's birthday bash but it is a really, really good, blessed day. :)

The universe does conspire. :)

-----
On Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist:

"It (destiny) is what you have always wanted to accomplish. Everyone, when they are young, knows what their destiny is. At that point in their lives, everything is clear and everything is possible. They are not afraid to dream, and to yearn for everything they would like to see happen to them in their lives. But, as time passes, a mysterious force begins to convince them that it will be impossible for them to realize their destiny."

I didn't know what it is I wanted to do until I was in my mid-twenties. Sure, The Ex helped me discover what it is I really wanted to do -- write -- but I didn't really know what I wanted to do with my life.

In restrospect, I guess I did know as a child that I was meant to write, too. I remember writing short stories on pad papers, with Rainbow Brite and Barbie as my main characters. I remember making up conversations with myself, as if several characters existed around me. [No, I am neither schizophrenic nor do I have multiple personality disorder.]

But yes, up until I was in high school, I would play with my mom's typewriter in her office, unaware that I am already, albeit slowly, living out what I am meant to do.

"It (mysterious force) is a force that appears to be negative, but actually shows you how to realize your destiny. It prepares your spirit and your will..."

Perhaps this mysterious force was delivered to me through a person. The universe, indeed, works in mysterious ways.

"There's no such thing as coincidence ... the mysterious chain that links one thing to another, the same chain that had caused him to become a shepherd, that had caused his recurring dream, that had brought him to a city near Africa, to find a king, and to be robbed in order to meet a crystal merchant, and..."

Yes. There is no such thing as coincidence. I know that for sure because there have been many times that I find myself in situations or conditions wherein I wouldn't have known how to cope had I not come across it in the past. I've had meetings and brushes with people and situations wherein I had no clue how they would figure in my life yet embraced them fully, only to realize how useful and helpful they will be later on.

"Love never keeps a man from pursuing his destiny."

Love never gets in the way of anything. Especially if you don't want it to. You will find a way and you will figure out how to go about making somethings work together in harmony if you really want it to. So if someone tells you or implies or makes you feel that you are in their way, remember these: (1) they do not truly love you, (2) they do not WANT to love you because they are not doing everything they can to make it work.

"...whoever you are, or whatever it is that you do, when you really want something, it's because that desire originated in the soul of the universe. It's your mission on earth...

And when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it."

This mission, having been given to you by the universe, is always pure and good and true. That is why the universe will help you achieve it. It is your destiny; respect it, honor it, be true to it. That is all you owe yourself. Be happy, stay true.

But be careful. Never ever step on anyone else's toes in pursuit of your own happiness. Never use and abuse other people to get what you want. Never make an excuse that you have been used and abused yourself that is why you are being abusive of others.

We all can be happy without having to hurt other people. No one is stopping us from pursuing our happiness. Yes, we have free will. But we are also responsible for our fellow man (and woman) just as much as we are responsible for our own actions.

---

Today, things have happened that made me realize yet again how lucky and blessed I am.

I wonder if I am ready to forgive that girl. I guess I have forgiven her a bit in the past. I had been friendlier with her -- and not just because of The Ex -- but because I truly felt that I was somehow ready to be civil and polite and, to an extent, be sincerely friendly towards her.

I still feel that what she did was very wrong. That the fact that she did what she did and that she never acknowledged the error of her ways will never be justified. All is not fair in love. But I will at least stop waiting for her to apologize.

I have forgiven her a bit in the past, yes. Thankfully, I am shedding that baggage now.

---

The "ber" months are coming! :) I've another reason to start looking forward to the last quarter of the year: B's birthday. Haha!

Understanding Bipolar Disorder

2007-08-23T02:28:00.000+08:00

Episode 1

Twitter wasn't enough so...

2007-08-21T20:06:00.000+08:00

I'm going to let this out here.

My back hurts like hell. My wrists are in pain. But I like/love what I'm doing. I'm not complaining about that. But it would've been really nice to work on this two years ago.

It's been too long. The last time I sat on this editing chair was more than a year ago. I slept -- no napped! -- on the couch outside, at the lobby, back when they weren't 24 hours yet. I stayed up for more than 18 hours then. Non-stop. Digitize, edit, render. Digitize, edit, render. Burn, burn, burn.

And I didn't even get a decent 'Thank you' then.

I still remember how hurt I was. How much work I put into it and I still got shit for supposedly throwing a tantrum.

But no, that's over. I can't change that.

But yes, it would've been nice, really nice, to have worked on this two years ago.

I wouldn't have minded the hours, the puyatan, the almost (but not quite) running out of patience on each other when the look wasn't achieved or the agreed upon effect was not met. Heck, I wouldn't even have minded na tinulugan ako how many times.

It really, really would've been nice to do for my Daddy what was done for Lola Remy.

Oh well.

No choice, Cei. Wipe away the tears, shake it off, and get back to work. On your own.

Today's LesbianScope

2007-08-18T11:02:00.000+08:00

Wala lang. Nakakaaliw lang. Hahaha!

Finally -- a day when it pays off to be naughty. Well, a little naughty, anyway. Get up to some harmless mischief with your current sex kitten. If you don't have one, don't worry -- someone new will surprise you tonight.

Hmm...

One day...

2007-08-18T03:43:00.000+08:00

I will delete all the posts about her and her. One day I will clean up my Multiply and Blogspot and Friendster and all the other shitload where memories and traces of them are left.

One day.

One of those nights

2007-08-17T22:13:00.000+08:00

I'm having one of those nights. You know, the one where I'm crying all night, lost and feeling my way in the dark. Yes, those nights.

Difference now is that I am aware of it. I am in control of it that I can pause and think of why I'm feeling this way or that, look inside myself and ask what is making me all emotional.

Months ago, maybe even for years, when I would have moments like this, I fall into it, deeply, and it would take me hours, days, weeks to finally get over it.

I no longer feel lost inside. Not empty anymore. Yet not completely filled up anyway. But I'm getting there. I'm finding out things, figuring out how to make me happy -- no, happier, more satisfied, prouder of myself.

It takes effort to be sane everyday. Really. But it can be done. There's no reason to go around walking like a headless chicken once again. :D

The radio is driving me nuts. So many songs, so many thoughts. Pero sabi nga di ba, kanta lang yang mga yan. Hahaha. Nakalimutan ko lang.

Oh well, papel.

Umuulan kasi eh. Tapos it's the time of the month. Hala. Ang hormones, naloko na. Patay.

Get a grip, Cei. Get a grip.

Wowa's 85th Birthday

2007-08-17T02:41:00.000+08:00

It's our Wowa's 85th birthday and what better way to celebrate her big day than by eating out! :D

We all grew up to Wowa's cooking: her soups that were mashed by a fork when we were little, the still warm asado chicken, shrimp omelette, and gambas for our baon in school, the kare-kare, monggo, palitaw, ube, leche flan, etc. and the best nougada in the clan. We were all well-fed, as you can so obviously see, and this love for eating and cooking, we got from her and Wowo.

I remember waking up to seeing her in the kitchen so early in the morning, making sinangang, frying dried fish or pusit for breakfast, while she has her cup of coffee somewhere within her reach. This cup of coffee often gets cold in the process but she finishes it nonetheless.

I don't really know how she manages to make baon for us in the morning; or how the food manages to stay warm until lunchtime. I always had the best baon among my friends. One classmate from grade school, April, even insisted on talking to Wowa and getting the recipe for asado chicken herself because she loved it so much.

Wowa doesn't cook much anymore now but when she does, you bet your ass it's still as good as ever. She still does whip a mean adobo and monggo; pramis, kahit nakapikit siya magluto, masarap pa din. :D

So yun. This is how we celebrated her birthday. :)

----------

We had lunch at Penang Hill at The Ledge in Shangri-La Plaza Mall. We tried their Nonya Fried Rice, Butter Cheese Crab, Hainanese Chicken, and uhm, this noodle dish whose name I forget. :D

The boys were introduced to Malaysian food and Chinese sausage, and, despite the quips about the chicken smelling like... they loved the food. Martin was excited the whole time, happily finishing his rice, asking for seconds and thirds, and picking out the bits of Chinese sausage in the rice. And oh, they kept the crab claws again!

Mama and Wowa had some bonding time at the Nail Spa while the boys and I waited (surprisingly) patiently. Melo (surprisingly) searched for the missing driver.

After going around Rustans for a bit, we went to Via Mare for merienda cena. Uhm, medyo na-excite yata kami and na-miss yata namin yung mga Filipino food so we ordered puto bumbongs, bibingka, palitaw and puto maya. The boys asked for calamares and Martin, an extra mais con hielo. Grabe 'no. Parang hindi nag-lunch.

We were supposed to go home early so we can play mahjong but we were one player short (we play kasi na three people lang, haha) and I wouldn't let the kids play na sila lang. [Although the little one knows na ha!]

Wowa's birthday isn't over yet. We're still gearing up for her bigger bash this Saturday. ;)

Happy birthday, Wowa! I love you! :)

Enrique Chronicles 01

2007-08-17T02:34:00.000+08:00

My nephew Enrique is the actor, funnyman and performer in the family. Artiste talaga. :)

Today, we had the privilege of hearing one of his funny quips.

On the way to Ortigas for Wowa's lunch, the two boys were munching on Sunshots.
Tata Mel, knowing that this will spoil their appetite said, "Ano ba 'yan,
why are you eating and eating junk food?"

Enrique replies, "Eh gusto ko eh."

To which Melodie replies, "Hay Enrique, junk food nga yan eh. Walang nutrition yan."

The boy, relentless and headstrong answers pa, "Okay lang, ayoko naman tumaba eh."

Melo responds, "Mas lalo ka ngang tataba diyan eh."

Enrique, of course, won't back down: "Eh okay lang. Nag-exercise naman ako eh."

Tata Mel snaps back, "Sige nga, nag-e-exercise ka? When ka nag-e-exercise?"

Enrique retorts, "Sa school, tumatakbo ako... papuntang canteen!"

Cranky Girl

To my favourite godchild, Enrique

2011. The year that was.

Poison

Things I Know Now But Didn't Know Then

414 Days

In a life that was past

Because I still do

Worries

Dear Abbott

Had I Known...

Our Last Farewell to the Late President Corazon Aquino

Fleeting

Amazing ü

For myself...

For you who seems to have forgotten. Remember...

For you whom I love with all my heart and soul.

For you, my friend...

Come back to me soon...

Busy bee me! :)

OPEN TO THE PUBLIC: SLO-PITCH SOFTBALL GAME ON JUNE 6, 2009

*sigh*

Isn't it a wonder?

Censored at Midnight

This week in April, according to the Stars

The Bangkok Chronicles

First Matabunkay Trip (and other silly firsts)

Empty

One of those days

My 2008 Birthday Wishlist

Going under the knife and recuperating

Our First Out of Town Trip - Subic

Top Ten ko

The W Weekend

Spending Quality and Quantity Time

Enchanted by EK

Lecheng puwing

Blessed

Hmmm.

Thankful

Sick. Sick. Sick.

Quotables

Pushing Boundaries

Yey! :)

SMS from Bora

My honey's in Bora

Can't go back

...

Panawagan sa nawawala

That's All.

My girlfriend has a *really* good tongue. *wink*

It's silly I know...

Talking to Myself Once Again

Isa lang masasabi ko...

Kahit hindi umuulan

Hay. *brat mode*

From Jasmine

Monday pa naman...

Hmm.

Hala. Yun na!

The Problem with Break-ups

Thank You's (Because it's National Thank You Day)

I Don't Remember You Anymore

The Dark Ages

*sigh*

The First Weekend of October

...

Last Weekend of September

Thank You. :)

Getting Drunk with Bem

Random Thoughts

I've always believed.

Why I Seem to be Pakialamera...

It's Never Too Late to Come Out

FLUID and Other Ateneo Things

Daddy's Girl

I am blessed. :)

Understanding Bipolar Disorder

Twitter wasn't enough so...

Today's LesbianScope

sigh

My girlfriend has a really good tongue. wink

Hay. brat mode

sigh